How asexuals function in a world that misunderstands them

From being denied their idea of intimacy in relationships to being subtly stigmatised at the workplace, asexual individuals are expected to function in a parallel world

An asexual character in Kathryn Ormsbee’s novel Tash Hearts Tolstoy (2017) breaks into a telling monologue about the irrelevance of sex in her life: “I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’ve never wanted sex. Never. I’ve never understood why it has to be in every book and movie and television show ever made. I never figured out why porn is such a huge thing. I'll be fine if no guy ever takes his shirt off for me. I’m not scared, I just don’t want it.” 

Most conversations around asexuals begin with denial. Such denial is not uncommon when it comes to sexual minorities because asexuals, abbreviated to ‘aces’, make up anywhere between one to six per cent of the global population. But is there a spectrum of understanding aces that does not necessarily pivot the conversation around their relationship with sex?

“It all starts with having to explain oneself and, by extension, one’s existence,” says Mrinalini De, a 29-year-old writer based in Jaipur, who identifies as an ace. “The first time I realised that sex was not at all a step for me towards intimacy, I remember not being liberated but absolutely terrified about how I’ll ever explain this to the world.”

In the Indian context, this gets all the more complicated if an ace gets married, in an arranged set-up, to a non-asexual person. According to the Supreme Court in 2014, “if a spouse does not allow the partner to have sex for a long time without a sufficient reason, it amounts to mental cruelty.” This was further reaffirmed by the Chhattisgarh High Court, too, in January this year. In 2016, the apex court went so far as to rule that “the act of the wife to deny cohabitation for a long period of time to the husband in itself is an act of cruelty and constitutes a matrimonial offence for the purpose of Section 13(1)(ia) of the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 (which covers divorce on grounds of cruelty).” 

The intersections 

According to sociologist Edward Laumann, interest in sexuality is classified in three common ways: behaviour, desire, and identity. It is the third pillar, of identity, that becomes critical for aces to navigate the world—percolating in their workspace, the way they seek intimacy, how they come out to themselves, their journey towards self-actualisation and how they approach friendships. 

Psychiatrist Nahid Dave says that the journey towards self-acceptance is one of the biggest hurdles for aces. So far, she has worked with three patients who are aces, and all of them had varying levels of anxiety and depression, but not entirely linked to their identity. 

“All three of them struggled with self-acceptance and kept battling with the question that maybe something was wrong with them hormonally,” she says. “There are two parts of attraction—hormonal, which is the raw sensation that has crests and troughs and grades that people might have more or less of; and psychological. With asexuals, the hormonal part is less, almost non-existent in some cases.” 

Sexuality researcher Paula Rust argues that while the production of identity is a social-psychological process, the consequences of identity are both social and political, as identity is not only an introspective process but is given meaning by the broader cultural understandings of that identity and connects one's self with others. In the case of Akhil, a 29-year-old business analyst who is also a Dalit ace and prefers being addressed only by his first name, it is this political identity that gets compounded further by his asexuality. 

“There have been numerous cases where I have been accused of holding onto too much caste trauma and hence not hooking up, or people have said that I’m too woke to enjoy ‘normal’ sex, whatever that means,” he explains. “Ridiculously enough, my own parents believe that I pretend to be asexual because that’s my way of getting attention from others and just so that I can be at the centre of the room.”

The pop culture erasure

The lack of widespread representation of aces in pop culture can certainly be jarring, as the idea is always that it will not be relatable. 

- The character of Jughead Jones in Archie Comics was asexual but the TV adaptation depicted him as a cishet male, much to the chagrin of the actor, Cole Sprouse, who plays him in the series Riverdale. 

- One can only guess if Zoya Akhtar’s forthcoming adaptation of Archie Comics will stay true to Jughead’s character, particularly how it plays out in the high-school setting. 

- The dilution of characters meant to be asexual in their source material is not new, as Vanya Hargreeves, one of the main characters in Netflix’s TheUmbrella Academy, is portrayed as asexual. It is never explicitly mentioned in the show but the comics on which the series is based do mention her asexuality front and centre. 

- One of the rare, sensitive portrayals of aces is actually presented in the Netflix series BoJack Horseman, where Todd Chavez, one of the main characters, comes out as asexual in the third season, with the show further exploring Todd's journey of self-discovery and acceptance of his asexuality.

Against all odds 

For queer-affirmative psychologist Deepak Kashyap, the happiness of aces can only come with other aces, not the non-asexual world with whom there will always be a gap in understanding who they truly are, minus the clichés and assumptions. The intersections of misunderstanding aces, particularly in workplaces that rely on beauty as it is superficially understood, can be many. Kashyap says that one of the most telling examples of the many shades of asexuality is in his client, who is a model, based in Mumbai. 

“He’s in the business of selling the beauty of his body, particularly when we understand that modelling is an industry where the casting couch is an everyday reality. You are in close quarters with other pretty people, looking at you with a sense of ambition,” he says. “People want to be him, they want to model themselves after him, that’s why the word ‘model’, as he models something after which others want to model themselves.”

Amidst a specific, concentrated focus on beauty and desires, for the longest time, he felt that there was indeed something wrong with him, and while he has sexual desires, he “doesn’t relate to any, simply because he has a different way of pair bonding with others, because asexuals can be aromantic but not always.” 

The journey towards self-acceptance is easier said than done, and Dave acknowledges as much. Even with her own clients who might not even be aces, her suggestion is to refrain from seeking external self-validation. Instead, she gives them, what she refers to as the “friend analogy”: “If you had a friend struggling through self-acceptance, hating themselves for just who they are, what would you tell them? Why’s it so difficult to tell yourself the same thing? You already know the answer.”

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