Does an inactive partner spell doom for the health of a relationship?

The fact that we laud fit people's ability to get up and go, and look down on the flabby as weak-willed, can put a strain on athletically mismatched couples

When Mumbai-based Amit, who requested to be quoted anonymously, weighed 125 kgs in 2018, he and his boyfriend at the time used to laugh at early-morning risers who sprinted down Carter Road in Bandra before any food passed their lips. But once he joined the other fitness enthusiasts in a beeline for the gym, a year-and-a-half later, the laughter the couple shared slowly faded away. 

No matter that a scary diagnosis of diabetes and high blood pressure spurred Amit, who is in advertising, to start exercising an unholy amount—often twice a day or that his partner also had to lose weight for medical reasons and tagged along to the gym a few times, only to lose interest. “While it was pretty obvious why I was investing in my health, the disparity in our lifestyles made him resentful. He couldn’t understand why I was overdoing it or couldn’t sleep in a little extra on some days instead of making my 8 am gym slot. I hoped he’d join me, but it wasn’t something he wanted to engage in,” he says.

Soon, resentment kicked in, and Amit couldn’t help but judge his partner for not showing support. They broke up less than a year after he began his rigorous workouts.

The strain

Every relationship, at some point or the other, is plagued by issues. But when the bone of contention is that one partner craves physical activity and the other doesn’t, it can strain even the healthiest dynamic. Not only does the one who prefers to exercise cut into the couple’s time together repeatedly, but it can also lead to one partner shaming the other for not being as active as they would like them to be.

“Enjoying a walk together, going to the gym or hiking can be bonding activities for couples as it helps them spend time over a common goal. But it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to have the same interests and enthusiasm, especially related to fitness. If one person is a fanatic and keeps coercing their partner to get fit, it can shame the other partner into feeling inadequate about themselves. It’s hard to keep your self-esteem intact when your partner is more active than you are. On the flip side, having to contend with an inactive partner can be frustrating because it’s hard not to complain about another’s inactivity without sounding like a saboteur,” says Ruchi Ruuh, counseling psychologist and relationship counsellor. 

For some, not working out is a deal breaker. “I find it difficult to respect someone who doesn’t respect their body,” says Suresh N, a 32-year-old fitness instructor from Bengaluru, who works out roughly 20 hours a week. Suresh finds it comforting when a date speaks the same love language he does (read: fitness). “I’ve been on a lot of dates and most of the women I meet don’t get why I work out two or more hours a day,” he says, “or why I follow a certain diet, or why I switch off my phone during my sessions, or why I can’t do late-night dinner parties.” Once, on a date, a woman told him: “Is working out for three hours even healthy? It seems like you don’t have much to offer apart from a good body.” That was their only date.

A healthy obsession with exercise is warranted. According to a study titled ‘Unraveling Exercise Addiction: The Role of Narcissism and Self-Esteem,’ exercise addiction was considered a “positive” addiction because of its beneficial effects on well-being until it was clear that, in many cases, overtraining and overexercise were associated with increased susceptibility to injuries or with socio-occupational dysfunctioning. However, exercise addiction could turn the positive psychosocial effects of regular physical activity into a detrimental one when affected subjects experience overpowering drives. This conceptualisation is in line with the theory of the long-term negative effect of any addiction, since addictions may alter the subjective experience of the self and are often seen as a failure of self-regulation.

It goes on to say addicted exercisers could experience deprivation symptoms with strong adverse effects on subjective states and well-being. It is almost well-known that addictive behaviours do not develop abruptly; rather, they evolve through several stages. According to the theoretical model of behavioural addictions, exercise addiction should include the following components: salience, when exercise becomes the most important thing; mood modification, occurring when people adopt a coping strategy to regulate emotions; tolerance, a physiological increase of the amount of exercise required to reduce craving; withdrawal, as manifested by anhedonia (the inability to enjoy otherwise enjoyable activities) and anxiety when gym activity is suddenly reduced; and relapse, the tendency to repeat reversions to earlier patterns of the activity.

Feelings of inadequacy 

One reason people have disparate feelings about exercise is that fit people can be self-righteous. Non-exercisers, consequently, have to grapple with feeling inadequate. Mumbai-based media professional Pratiksha Acharya, who’s naturally curvy, was subtly body-shamed by her former boyfriend of eight years for not being “active enough.” “He would pass nasty comments about my weight under the guise of trying to motivate me to shed a few pounds. It started affecting how I viewed my body. I would feel uncomfortable undressing in front of him, and when I would send him pictures on holiday, I’d suck my stomach in or edit the extra fat out on an app,” she says. Since her boyfriend was semi-active (he’d run and play football occasionally), Acharya forced herself to hit the gym, sometimes pushing herself to work out twice a day. “I hated exercising. It made me feel terrible about my body,” she says. They split up soon after. 

“Constant body-shaming can lead to anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, depression, higher risk of self-harm or suicide, poorer quality of life (due to body dissatisfaction), and psychological distress,” says Ruuh. 

Acharya is now in a healthy relationship with someone who encourages her to live her best life, active or not. “Weirdly, our first date was a hiking trip in Navi Mumbai. We soon became gym buddies, too. But he has never forced me to hit the gym regularly. He realises that exercise has to be something that somebody wants for themselves.”

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