The quiet hell of a toxic friendship–and how to get out of it

Friendships are integral to our social life, but not when they are more draining, less uplifting. We ask experts to underscore the signs of a toxic friendship and ways to navigate them

The portrayal of friendships in Indian pop culture has always looked a little too perfect—unshakeable bonds in Sholay, intense soul-searching in Dil Chahta Hai, the pastel-filtered loyalty of Veere De Wedding, or the drama-drenched intimacy in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. The message was always a bit too simple: friends are indeed forever.

Indian cinema sold the ideal of friendship as soulmates, but the third season of The White Lotus perhaps knows better. Kate (Leslie Bibb), Jaclyn (Michelle Monaghan), and Laurie (Carrie Coon)—three childhood friends performing closeness while quietly falling apart. Turns out, not every friendship ages well—even the decades-old ones.

Fiction makes it easy to believe that friendship is supposed to be constant, loyal, bigger than love itself. But real friendships don’t always come with montages and matching outfits. Not every friendship deserves to be salvaged either. The trouble is knowing the difference—and knowing it before the damage is done.

Friendships are supposed to be grounding, even joyful. But some start to chip away at your sense of self—especially when emotional dumping, blurring boundaries, or a sense of constant imbalance becomes the norm. It doesn’t always hit all at once. Often, the realisation arrives a tad too late.

Toxic friendships may not scream abuse, but the impact is just as insidious—manifesting as anxiety, exhaustion, and a slow erosion of mental and even physical health. Experts say these friendships can affect your daily life, from how you sleep to how you show up in other relationships. The question is: How do you spot the warning signs early enough to protect your peace?

As social animals, humans thrive on friendships—only when they aren’t toxic

According to the Ipsos Global Happiness survey from 2024, 65 per cent of Indians consider friends as their greatest source of happiness. Similarly, a study by social psychologist William Chopik found that friendships predict day-to-day happiness more accurately than any other relationship in your family. Clearly, friendships are integral to humans. 

“Friendship is a basic human need, deeply rooted in our psyche,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, a psychotherapist and founder of Gateway of Healing. “From the very beginning, humans have been social creatures who thrive in communities. Friends provide a sense of belonging, safety, and shared purpose—all essential for survival and emotional well-being.”

Mehak Rohira, a psychologist with The Mood Space, adds, “When we connect with friends, our brain releases oxytocin, often called the ‘bonding hormone,’ which enhances trust and emotional connection. Dopamine, the ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter, is also released when we experience joy, laughter, and support in friendships, reinforcing positive social interactions.” 

But, these benefits hold true only when the friendship is healthy. In contrast, a toxic friendship that engenders stress release sounds almost paradoxical.

Friendships can turn toxic when personal struggle—insecurities or  emotional baggage—spill over into the dynamic, notes psychologist and relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh. “People undergoing life changes like career shifts, new relationships or evolving priorities, can become distant, thus creating resentment. At times, one person’s unhealthy attachment style—like over-dependency or control—can also strain the bond. Silent competition or jealousy among friends may replace genuine support, making even simple interactions feel draining. Passive-aggressiveness, mismatched expectations, and repeated misunderstandings turn a friendship into a warzone.” 

In agreement, psychologist Sanam Devidasani explains that when unspoken needs or past wounds resurface, even the most stable friendship can unravel. “For example, if a friend has deep fears of abandonment, they may become controlling or possessive, putting you in a position where you constantly feel tested. Many toxic friendships also stem from unaddressed relational patterns from childhood.”

Signs of a toxic friendship you shouldn’t ignore 

Can you tell the difference between Arjun (Hrithik Roshan) and Imran’s (Farhan Akhtar) friendship in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011) and Sonu (Kartik Aaryan) and Titu’s (Sunny Singh) friendship in Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety (2018)? In the former, the two distanced themselves due to an emotional rift and eventually came back stronger. In the latter—a rather glorified bromance—the dynamic was steeped in unhealthy codependency, often undermining their other relationships. That’s the thing about toxic friendships: they rarely announce themselves. And recognising them in time is half the battle won. 

Not every bad friend is toxic, but every toxic friend is bad for your mental health. “A toxic friendship isn’t just about one-off conflicts or disagreements—it’s about recurring relational patterns that make you feel diminished, unheard, or emotionally unsafe,” says Devidasani.

One of the earliest signs of a toxic friend is emotional imbalance in the equation. When someone is perpetually consumed by their own struggles, achievements, and failures, they often have no capacity to be a listener. A bad listener can rarely be a good friend. “If every interaction revolves around their issues, leaving little room for your own, it’s a sign of imbalance,” says Tugnait. “While friends should support each other, a toxic friend turns you into their emotional dumping ground without reciprocating or acknowledging your needs. Toxic friends also often stir up unnecessary conflict or gossip to keep the focus on themselves.” They may exaggerate minor issues, create unnecessary drama, or drag you into their disputes—leaving you emotionally drained.

For Mumbai-based writer Rashmika Sharma* the shift was subtle but decisive. “When I abjectly refused to meet them [a friend] because I was physically ill, they made me feel like a horrible person for saying no. I still tried working it out, but they only thought of me when I could be of use. That was the nail in the coffin of that friendship for me.”

Dismissive phrases like “stop overthinking,” “stop overreacting,” “don’t make a big fuss out of nothing,” or “why should I apologise?” are common in an unhealthy friendship. Devidasani notes that a toxic friend is likely to lack empathy and often negates or downplays your feelings. “A healthy friendship thrives on emotional responsiveness and reciprocation—both friends are attuned to each other’s needs and feelings. For instance, if you express hurt over something they said and they brush it off with “you’re too sensitive,” or worse, make a joke out of it, it signals a lack of emotional validation. Over time, this can make you second-guess your feelings, leading to self-doubt and emotional disconnection.” 

Another hallmark for toxic friendship is conditional support. “True friendships are built on unconditional care—where support isn’t dependent on performance or meeting unspoken expectations,” adds Devidasani. “In toxic friendships, support often comes with conditions: A friend may only be there for you when it aligns with their convenience or they may withdraw when you set a boundary or prioritise your own needs.”

Perhaps the most insidious marker of a toxic friendship is gaslighting. Naimita Jagasia, chef and founder, Ode to Gaia, recalls how a close friend diminished her success by attributing it to privilege. “While I built a successful business in the hospitality industry, a friend worked hard to crack multiple businesses in the same industry that failed, unfortunately. Soon, he became bitter about it, and reduced my achievements to generational privilege. Eventually, I cut him out of my life; however, initially, the friendship left me feeling insecure and inadequate because I started to believe his words and doubt my own achievements. There was a point when I found it difficult to trust my gut and my decision-making abilities.”

Gaslighting in friendships, Devidasani explains, often presents as control masked in care. “In a healthy friendship, there is mutual influence—both friends have a say in decisions, plans, and emotional exchanges. However, in a toxic friendship, one person may dominate the dynamic, exerting control through manipulation, guilt-tripping, or emotional blackmail. You may feel like you always have to conform to their needs, opinions, or moods to keep the peace, leaving little room for your voice.”

The impact of toxic friendship on mental health and daily life 

In the first season of Netflix’s You, Guinevere Beck (Elizabeth Lail) and Peach Sallinger (Shay Mitchell) shared a borderline virulent friendship—and everyone knows how that ended. Like any other toxic relationship, a toxic friendship doesn’t stay neatly compartmentalised. It spills over into every part of your life. 

According to Tugnait, toxic friendships can have deep-rooted effects on emotional and mental health, often eroding one’s sense of self over time. “Constant criticism, manipulation, or neglect from a toxic friend can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. You may start questioning your worth, decisions, or even your reality, especially if gaslighting is involved. This emotional turmoil can contribute to anxiety, depression, or chronic stress, leaving you emotionally drained and mentally exhausted.” 

Devidasani adds that a toxic friendship can trigger the body’s stress response system, increasing cortisol levels over time. This can manifest in physical symptoms—headaches, fatigue, or digestive problems—alongside emotional burnout. 

The psychological damage has a ripple effect. When deeply invested in a toxic dynamic, it becomes easy to set the bar low for all the other relationships, or even begin to view healthy ones through a lens of mistrust. “If you’re accustomed to being mistreated, you might struggle to recognise or demand respect in other connections, perpetuating a cycle of unhealthy dynamics. Additionally, the emotional energy spent navigating toxicity can leave little room for nurturing other relationships. You might withdraw from loved ones, either out of exhaustion or because the toxic friend discourages those connections, isolating you further,” shares Tugnait. 

It goes without saying that the impact is felt in your professional life too. “Toxic friendships don’t just harm the individual—it can ripple outward, disrupting your overall well-being and the quality of your life,” adds Tugnait. 

How to end or repair a toxic friendship

Not all toxicity in friendships is one-directional. What if the problem isn’t just them? What if you’ve been the one shutting down conversations, constantly keeping score, or expecting more than you’re giving? Or what if the dynamic has simply grown lopsided over time, with both sides unknowingly fuelling the erosion?

These questions don’t always have neat answers. However, they’re worth considering before deciding whether to fix the friendship or walk away from it.

Social media may have popularised the term “frenemy” but the reality is simpler—someone is either your friend or they aren’t. A real friend, despite occasional friction, is willing to do the work. A toxic friend, on the other hand, avoids accountability or confrontation.

“Open communication, setting boundaries, and mutual effort can often salvage a struggling friendship, if both the parties agree to do so,” says Tugnait. “However, if the toxicity stems from patterns of manipulation, abuse, or a lack of respect, ending the relationship may be the healthiest choice. It is important to assess whether the friendship is worth saving, and whether both individuals are committed to change.” Rohira adds that if you’ve consistently communicated your feelings, set boundaries, and nothing improves—especially if the friendship continues to harm your mental health—it may be time to walk away.  

That said, expressing pain points is worth the effort. Not everyone is naturally comfortable, says Devidasani. “When addressing concerns, the goal isn’t to accuse or assign blame, but to express how the dynamic is affecting you. Saying something like: ‘I’ve been feeling unheard in our friendship, and I’d like to understand if we can find a way to support each other better’ can invite dialogue rather than defensiveness.”

Of course, not every friendship can—or should—be salvaged. Some dynamics are too far gone, too skewed by resentment or control. Just because it lasted a decade doesn’t mean it was always healthy.

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