Why making friends as an adult is harder than ever

Seeking and maintaining meaningful equations becomes difficult as we grow older. Does it always have to be like that? 

Growing up, making friends was a breeze—it involved seemingly simple things like sharing your lunch at school or joining the same art class. Case in point: I met my best friend in the seventh grade, and from then until now, well into my twenties, making new friends just hasn’t felt the same.  

As we grow older, a camaraderie that once felt effortless is replaced by scrutinising personalities and intentions, making us more selective about who we let into our lives. Despite a plethora of articles and self-help books on how to make new friends, the truth is clear: it’s tough to do so. When did making friends become such a Herculean task?

What makes cultivating friendships easier earlier in life?

As children, most—if not all—of our friendships happened by chance. Mehak Rohira, a therapist at The Mood Space, attributes this ease to our childhood environment. “Schools, colleges, and additional groups provide opportunities for interaction. This makes it easier to meet others, and the regular, repeated interactions help form stronger connections.” Additionally, as kids and adolescents, we are naturally more curious and open towards others, and free from insecurities that come with age, she says.

Shaurya Gahlawat, a psychologist and relationship expert, shares, “One of my therapy clients recalled how easily she made friends during her school years. Her school had a strong sense of community, where group projects, team sports, and shared lunchtime created natural opportunities for forming connections. Today, she experiences a sense of loss, as such natural settings for friendship are harder to come by.” 

For Angela Cecilia, a New Delhi-based marketing professional, friendships often include acquaintances. “We keep making friends as we switch jobs, get married, or enter new relationships; however, the ability to expose your truest self lies with just those handful of people who’ve seen you naked emotionally over many years and have been part of different phases of your life,” expresses Cecilia, highlighting, the vulnerability and comfort of long-standing friendships formed earlier in life. 

As we age, our personalities, preferences, and beliefs become more defined. This often makes us seek like-minded people and engage in conversations that are more aligned with our interests. “In later stages of life, a lot of core values are already established; we are less flexible to adapt, and mostly find comfort in what is known rather than seeking an adventure of the unknown. Trust is the foundation of friendship and as older adults, we trust less, but, on the contrary, deepen trust with our existing happy relationships,” says Cecilia, echoing this sentiment. Finding time for deep, meaningful discussions is a luxury, making us more selective about who we spend time with. Chandreyi Bandyopadhyay, a travel journalist, shares, “When we are younger, we exercise less choice in friends. As we mature, we become more selective.”

Why the ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’ theory could fail you

At some point, we’ve all encountered people who make or break relationships based on differing political, social, cultural or relational views. This limits the diversity of our friendships, which is important. “People’s identities are often closely tied to their political, social, and cultural beliefs. Such differences can create conflict because they challenge a person’s core values and worldviews,” says Ruchi Ruuh, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Our socially polarised world reinforces these divisions, making it harder to find and maintain friendships with differing perspectives.”

Anmol Dua, a 24-year-old content creator, says, “I no longer want to have ‘more’ friends as I did when I was younger; instead, I want to have more real connections with like-minded people who share the same thoughts, views and ideologies as me—and most importantly—have the same level of emotional intelligence and understanding about life as I do because that is what I base the core of my connections on.” 

Explaining the reasoning behind this, Rohira says, “Humans are creatures of habit, and tend to seek out similarities in others. We naturally feel more comfortable when we are around people who share our beliefs. Dissimilarities lead to discomfort because they challenge our views and force us to confront difficult emotions.”

However, differences in friendships can also, at times, be beneficial. On Reddit, a user argued that having friends you aren’t always like-minded makes you unhappy, but another countered that these differences can be a source of growth and laughter, showing that discomfort in friendship can, in fact, foster personal growth. 

Why do we close the door to friendships with age?

As we get older, making new friends often becomes less of a priority. People get married, have children, and focus on their careers, and cultivating new friendships becomes an afterthought. While our unique personalities can hold us back, several other factors also prevent us from forming new relationships. Hansika Kapoor, a psychologist and psychotherapist at Monk Prayogshala explains that initiating friendships involves vulnerability and the desire to build trust.  “Sometimes, social anxiety or fear of judgement or rejection can prevent one from initiating friendships. Earlier in life, you find yourself in shared environments with others of a similar age and background, perhaps in school or where you live. The goal is to make friends as it is a common social currency when you are younger; there are fewer qualms about initiating and building friendships then. More friends equals being more popular equals making more friends, and so on.” However, as we grow older, our social bandwidth tends to drain out, limiting our willingness to indulge in newer friendships.

Rebecca Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina, identifies three crucial conditions for friendships—proximity, repeated and unplanned interactions, and a setting that allows the individuals to let their guard down, be themselves, and let their inner child out. These elements, naturally present in our early years through school, college, extra-curricular activities or daily gatherings with friends, diminish in the later stages of life. We become more cautious and struggle to find time for leisurely activities and personal commitments, disrupting the rhythm needed for potential friendships.

Namrata Kedar, a fashion and beauty journalist, moved to a new country four years ago. As someone who strongly believes that genuine relationships take time to build, Kedar finds forging friendships in her thirties difficult. “I only have a handful of friends—mostly by choice. You want to look past social friends and make more meaningful connections, and starting from scratch can feel overwhelming. It takes years to build these friendships, and as you age, you find that you have less time to prioritise that.” 

How time and distance alter friendships 

Moving to a new city for personal or professional reasons can make initiating new friendships exceedingly taxing, especially when you’re already struggling with maintaining existing ones. “Most of my friends back home are ones I have known for decades, so in a lot of cases you can pick up where you left off. There are those I speak with daily and those that I meet with when I'm back in town. You tend to miss out on a lot of important life events like weddings and babies, but if there is an understanding, the friendship thrives. Those that are too demanding have very naturally fizzled out,” says Kedar.

Similarly, Dua’s closest friends live away from Mumbai, the city she’s moved to for her career. “I keep on travelling between Mumbai and Ahmedabad, my hometown. While I do get to meet my friends and family from time to time, it gets hectic and a little overwhelming, because it disrupts my everyday routine,” she admits.

Cultivating friendships also becomes challenging as priorities shift and circumstances change. Take parenthood, for example, that puts your life through a 360-degree change. Cecilia, a mother of a toddler, has become extremely mindful of the people she calls friends and hangs out with, ever since she had her son. “We are careful about who we spend time with, who are our friends, and who we admire because that troop, in many ways, will influence my child. My child is not a reflection of just me and my partner but an absolute reflection of the kids he is surrounded by. So it’s important to have the right people in our lives who could indirectly influence my child.” According to Kapoor, parenthood also causes a shift in friendship patterns “owing to similar things to share and discuss. And, for those who choose to remain childless, “sharing common interests with other adults through hobbies or other activities could also foster friendships.” 

Our interests also alter with age, and when your friends aren’t aligned with you on that, you can feel lonely or abandoned. Gahlawat shares an example of a client in his late forties who realised that his old friendships—maintained through partying and playing sports—no longer resonated with him. “As a father and a business owner, he sought connections with other parents and entrepreneurs who understood his current challenges and lifestyle. Therapy helped him recognise the need to form friendships that aligned with his evolving priorities, leading him to join a local parent group and a business networking club where he found meaningful connections.” For Bandyopadhyay, it’s not necessarily hard, but different. “You are more aware of the kind of people and energy you want around you, so decisions may be made accordingly.”

The workplace is another fertile ground for adult friendships, where shared goals and values can drive new relationships. Veronica Bahl, co-founder of MASIC Beauty, shares, “I think having friendships at the same maturity level as you is important, especially for your close friendships. My best friend and I have a six-year age gap, but because we’ve been in sync with each other’s personal journeys, no part of our friendship feels like work.” 

Training your brain to embrace friendships…if you want to

Humans are social beings, and yet, we are experiencing unprecedented loneliness. Meaningful relationships that transcend beyond the virtual world are elusive. “Social media, materialism, and the need to make and maintain transactional friendships are at an all-time high. We’re so lost and afraid to be set apart from the crowd that we end up forgetting that relationships and friendships must have a purpose,” explains Bahl. Gahalwat adds, “While technology and social media offer new ways to connect, they also introduce challenges that can make forming and maintaining lasting friendships more difficult. Superficial connections, fear of vulnerability, overwhelm and distraction, comparison and jealousy, lack of non-verbal communication, and the transient nature of online interactions are significant hurdles.” This highlights the importance of real-life friendships, which are essential for combating loneliness, especially into late adulthood, shares Kapoor.

While loneliness becomes more pronounced without a social circle to interact with, Rohira mentions the benefits of having a limited social circle. “One can nurture their existing friendships, and deepen their emotional connections. This can provide a stable support system and a sense of belonging, leading to personal fulfilment.” Friendships materialise naturally; you can’t be strategic about them. So it is crucial to be open-minded and vulnerable. 

Humans crave novelty as much as socialising, underscoring the importance of encouraging newer friendships. According to Gahlawat, doing so not only supports your emotional and mental health but also provides intellectual stimulation and a sense of purpose. “Being self-aware, setting realistic expectations, maintaining a positive attitude and seeking professional help, if needed, are some ways to train yourself to become open towards newer friendships,” recommends Gahlawat. “The idea is to identify your tribe—in an online or offline space—that makes you feel valued, respected, and cherished, and with whom you can share a good laugh,” concludes Kapoor.

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