What happens to friendships once the benefits disappear?

Can friends with benefits ever go back to being just friends? We attempt to explore a sensitive subject

It was the eve of my 18th birthday and I stood on the cusp of adulthood. I had just broken up with my first real boyfriend. While there were many reasons that led to the break-up, a major one had been sexual incompatibility. At my birthday party, I was surrounded by friends as the clock struck midnight, my drunken haze leading me to fall into a kiss with a particular friend I’d known for over a decade. What followed was a few months of comfortable sex between regular hangouts, followed by a fall-out that resulted in months of silence. Yet, remarkably, in the years since, we have managed to achieve the impossible—we’ve rekindled a close friendship after our friends-with-benefits (FWB) situation went sour. 

 
Not always a smooth transition

Turns out, we aren’t the only ones. Friends who fall in love after a no-strings-attached sexual relationship is a well-exercised trope in pop culture. But what about the arrangements that don’t end with a sweeping declaration of love? Are they always doomed to end in awkwardness? Not necessarily, according to Anisha Jain, lead psychologist at Mindtemple. “Every person, every friendship and every FWB situation is different. There may not be one ideal template to follow in order to smoothly transition back into friendship after the FWB equation has ended. However, there are important factors that can affect the transition.”

The important factors include personal reasons for getting into the arrangement in the first place. Was it purely sexual? Did you feel lonely and crave intimacy then? Did you have unreciprocated feelings for your friend? There’s also the quality and dynamic of your pre-existing friendship to be taken into account—if the friendship is stronger and more important to you than the benefits, it’s easier to transition back. 

For Mumbai-based marketing professional Sneha*, it wasn’t easy to rekindle a friendship after three months of sleeping with a new friend. “I think we started talking to each other because of the underlying physical attraction but we were always platonic. When we eventually slept together, it didn’t take long to realise we didn’t actually work well as friends and hardly had anything in common. It was beginning to feel like a fling, and eventually we just ghosted each other.”

Jain says that what matters most is open communication at the onset, especially about the benefits. “You need to align each other’s needs and expectations. For example, describe what the FWB arrangement means to each of you, what you both want out of it, what your concerns are, and how you would potentially transition back. These factors will determine the foundation of the FWB situation and influence the journey, the end and the aftermath,” she explains. 

Setting boundaries is key 

It was this lack of clear communication that led to a brief period of silent treatment between my friend and I. We didn’t specify what we wanted in the beginning, and the lines got blurred as we spent alone-time together, flirting playfully and enjoying each other’s company as a couple. The blurred lines led to misplaced feelings on my end that dissolved into uncomfortable conversations and awkwardness. 

Had we set clear boundaries, we wouldn’t have lost out on those few months. “Boundaries must be definitive, specific and mutually discussed,” says Jain. “A FWB situation involves grey areas and it can get complicated as feelings, thoughts and experiences evolve. It may sometimes unintentionally feel like dating or a relationship, and the friends may continue to behave like a couple, even after ending the FWB equation. Such vague and fluid situations can be avoided by setting and sticking to ‘solid’ boundaries.”

These boundaries could include prioritising the platonic aspects of your friendship during and after the relationship. Revert to the plans you made and conversations you had before you started sleeping together.

Another issue that can potentially complicate the aftermath of a FWB situation is new relationships. It’s important to be honest with future partners about the connection you shared with a friend, particularly if that friend continues to be in your life. My friend entered into a serious relationship a few years after our arrangement and made sure he was completely transparent to his partner about his past, revealing that we continue to remain great friends. “I simply told her everything and from what I know and feel, she doesn’t have any issues with the past situation or our continued friendship,” he said.

But this may not always go well with everyone and it’s important to broach the subject carefully. When engineering student Pratik* dived into a relationship a month after his FWB situation with a close friend ended mutually, his girlfriend didn’t feel comfortable with his friend being a part of his life. “I eventually picked my relationship over the friendship. I do miss my friend platonically, but I couldn’t disrespect my girlfriend’s boundaries, shares Pratik. 

A friends-with-benefits situation can be an easy fix for great sex and companionship, but it is as nuanced as all other relationships in your life and needs to be handled with care. If you prioritise the person over the benefits, it’s entirely possible to salvage a friendship even after the benefits disappear.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

Tips to salvage a friendship post the benefits:

• Appreciate the friendship.

• Review the boundaries and expectations of each other to ensure that you’re both on the same page.

• Set temporary rules like limiting the frequency of calls and chats, not meeting alone at home, no sexting or flirting.

• Check in with your friend during the transition phase. Do not completely avoid each other; address any awkwardness, conflict or unpleasantness. Agree to disagree, if needed. 

• Accept and empathise with your friend if they feel lonely, neglected or jealous during the transition period.

• Expect the unexpected. It’s possible that your friend’s expectations are different from what was originally discussed: patiently and mutually resolve such a situation.

Also Read: Mindfulness in sex has mind-blowing results

Also Read: India is toying with sexual wellness more than ever

Also Read: Why do Indian men have sex so late?