Here’s why you may share a toxic relationship with your sibling

Sibling relationships can be precious, nurturing, and supportive. But they may sometimes pose disturbing and painful questions. Do we owe our siblings loyalty if they continue to hurt us?

The only similarity that Pune-based Nishita, who requested to be quoted anonymously for this story, and her younger sister share is a surname. Otherwise they are radically different in ways that are opaque to outsiders. The sisters share a trauma bond that rewinds to their growing-up years in Kolkata, where they learned of their father's passing on an innocuous day in the summer of 2010. But here's the clincher: Their father surfaced four years later and confessed to having faked his death because he was unhappy in the marriage with their mother. "My mum, sister, and I had this unsaid pact that we would always stick by each other, no matter what because our world was turned upside down that night. My mother was forced to work in homes as domestic help and my sister and I began working and juggling college because we needed to put food on the table as my father refused to extend financial support anymore. But when I married in 2017, the dynamic changed between us. Although they were fine with the match, they were not too pleased that I was ‘breaking the pact’. They could not come to terms with the fact that I would be leaving the nest and investing in someone else,” says Nishita. What followed was years of taunting by the sister for leaving them for “a man.”

“I could never understand why she (my sister) would treat me like scum, make fun of me in front of our friends in a social setting, or hit me when I stand up to her,” says Nishita, who believes she still bears the brunt of “deceiving them.” And while she has tried to reason with her sister, including suggesting therapy for the both of them to resolve past trauma, the latter has been resistant to any form of healing. 

Asha Saxena, a New Delhi-based therapist, and life coach, believes trauma bonding with siblings is more likely to be mischaracterised as ‘love’ primarily due to the societal, cultural or religious expectations/demands regarding family cohesion/love. “It would be hard to argue that love would form under these conditions; however, it would be much easier to argue that this sort of love creates fear,” she says.

When I ask Saxena why Nishita finds it necessary to still be kind to her sister despite being physically assaulted a few months ago, she says, “Over years and years of exposure and social conditioning, this sense of fear becomes misconstrued as ‘love.’ When they grow up, the person finds themselves still calling or visiting their family members regularly. They rush to the family members’ side when they have been beckoned, abandoning themselves and their priorities in favour of their family. They do all of this despite the emotional, physical and verbal abuse thrown at them. They attribute it to ‘doing it out of love’ or ‘they hurt me, but I love them, and they love me.’” 

In a 2019 paper titled ‘Balance in Family Triads: How Intergenerational Relationships Affect the Adult Sibling Relationship,’ published in the Journal of Family Issues, Dutch authors Vera de Bel, Matthijs Kalmijn, and Marijtje A. J. van Duijn spotlight family systems theory, which implies that relationships between two family members such as the sibling relationship dyad cannot be studied in isolation as they are part of a larger system and affected by surrounding family relationships such as the intergenerational relationships of both siblings. The first and most straightforward way to consider interdependence is by studying triads, that is, relationships between three family members; in this study, the sibling–parent–sibling triad. Using positive and negative—undirected—relationships, balanced triads occur in two forms: Either all three individuals have positive—strong—relationships, “the all-positive triad,” or two individuals in the triad have a positive relationship, while they both share a negative—weak—tie with the third individual. An imbalanced triad is unstable because of the tension caused by the two individuals having a weak relationship while sharing a same-valued—strong or weak—relationship with a third individual. 

PLAYING FAVOURITES

While parental favouritism is common in family structures, it is an inconvenient truth most of us would deny. Parents, knowingly or unknowingly, tend to favour a child and project their unfulfilled aspirations onto them. In Mumbai-based teacher Nikhil’s case, clear favouritism for his brother, “the science whiz,” by both his parents, has driven a deep wedge in their relationship. “I always gravitated towards the arts, and my parents, while seemingly okay with my decision to pursue a career in teaching English literature, would always compare my achievements with my brother’s, who studied biotechnology and is now a researcher. By playing favourites, my parents instilled in him the confidence to look down on me. He never fails to mention that he makes more money than me at family gatherings, albeit as a joke. We’ve had some heated arguments over the years, leading to me confronting my parents about the glaring favouritism during Diwali last year." And while Nikhil's parents denied it, he has, since that day, been avoiding interaction with his family. 

Viraj Mehta, a counselling psychologist, says that in cases where favouritism is directed at one sibling, the neglected sibling does not automatically outgrow the resentment and hostility they begin to harbour. “Feelings like guilt, shame, envy and even hate may change shape or intensify in adulthood. Favouritism is one of the primary root causes of adult sibling estrangement and sibling abuse. In most cases, the neglected sibling could carry that insecurity into romantic relationships, projecting it onto their partners if not given enough importance or care,” says Mehta.

SKIN-TONE TRAUMA

For New Delhi-based Christine, a marketing and branding professional, colourism created an unhealthy dynamic with her sister. “My sister would always have the upper hand because her lighter skin was celebrated. This favouritism fostered a team dynamic within my family, wherein my dad supported her, and my mum, me. Given that I grew up wanting to dominate her and influence her decisions, we could rarely see eye to eye on anything,” she says. In time, the relationship toxified with Christine's sister, who “grew in confidence because of her skin tone,” deciding to date the men with whom the former shared a bond with. “She (my sister) dated a very close friend of mine, which I wasn't very happy about. Then, later, she also started dating a potential suitor. I resented her for wanting what was dear to me,” says Christine. While the sisters share a stable and cordial relationship now after cutting ties between 2014 and 2018, Christine believes maintaining a safe distance is key to the bond. “I can't help but assert my dominance over her even now when we discuss family matters involving finances. While she continues to try to make things right between us, I refrain from getting too close to her.”

Saxena believes that favouritism rooted in colourism imposes an emotional toll on the darker-skinned sibling, thereby creating a lack of trust or acceptance of others. “Experiences of colourism may result in psychological, emotional, physical, and behavioural vulnerability and, in most cases, may lead to traumatic stress or what we refer to as skin-tone trauma,” she says.

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