Where have all the good listeners gone?

In the quest of taking charge of our own lives, have we run out of the composure and compassion it takes to be a good listener?

“Are you even listening to me?” is a statement all of us use, in our day-to-day lives, whether we’re talking to a colleague who is simultaneously catching up on her emails, with a partner who is engrossed in a match, or a friend who is aimlessly doomscrolling while you’re chatting with them. We are also equally guilty of muttering perfunctory expressions like “cool”, “hmm” or “sure” during conversations. This makes us wonder why having a wholesome conversation seems so difficult today. And, we can’t help but ascribe this to our increasing ineptitude to listen.

According to a study, humans spend approximately 45 percent of their time awake—roughly 7.5 hours—listening to something, or someone. However, oftentimes, we’re only hearing, and not listening. 

Irrespective of how old you are, every individual seeks the company of someone in their lives to fulfil various emotional and mental needs. So, why is it then, that we grapple with finding good listeners in an age where we otherwise are so well-connected? We speak to psychologists and try to decipher why listening is becoming a rare skill.

Who is a good listener?

In our heads, we’re all good listeners—from our best friend’s break-up stories to a co-worker’s rants, we’re always listening to people around us. Or so we think. To understand what listening really entails, we turned to qualified therapists. “A good listener is someone who listens carefully and pays close attention to both what has been said and how it has been said; they take the time to understand and respond thoughtfully to both spoken words and unspoken cues,” says Janvi Rathore, a therapist at The Mood Space. According to psychotherapist and psychologist Dr Prerna Kohli, being empathetic and understanding are prerequisites of a good listener. “Good listeners refrain from making quick judgments or interruptions, instead, they provide a safe space for the speaker to express themselves freely. It requires putting oneself in the speaker’s shoes, and appreciating their perspective.” 

A good listener doesn’t listen to respond recklessly nor do they remain absent-minded during a conversation. Deepti Chandy, a therapist and chief operating officer, Anna Chandy & Associates, says that intent is the premise of being a good listener. “Some of the key questions to ask are: ‘Do I want to listen to this?’; ‘Am I only hearing someone, or genuinely listening to them by paying attention to their body language and non-verbal cues, while giving appropriate messages that I’m paying attention?’.”

Why do we need good listeners?

Call it venting, sharing, or communicating, talking about how you feel is innate to most human beings. This is why we always need someone who can lend a listening ear—no matter how old you are or where you come from. 

“Communication is key in every relationship—be in a romantic one, with family and friends, or even at work. And, listening well is half the job done. If you work on listening intently, others feel heard, seen, and understood. They feel like you care about their thoughts and feelings. Being understood and cared for are crucial aspects of a healthy relationship. One feels confident that they can rely on you and is encouraged to be more open,” explains Sanam Devidasani, a psychotherapist and psychologist. Explaining how good listeners can excel at work, Dr Kohli says, “In professional settings, good listening can lead to better teamwork, conflict resolution, and innovation, as it encourages diverse perspectives and collaboration.”

Being a good listener benefits the listener in so many ways too, believes Devidasani. “They have an opportunity to grow and learn, absorb new ideas, and think about varying perspectives. They can have relationships which are open, reliable, and supportive, with a deep emotional connection.”

What’s stopping people from listening keenly?

It’s fair to say that the inflating social media culture has coaxed us into consuming and perceiving everything in a bite-sized format, including virtual and in-person conversations. Add the easy and profuse accessibility to a slew of digital devices and platforms, and you have the perfect recipe to stay glued to gadgets, even if it’s mentally draining, or if you are accompanied by someone who might want to converse with you. Aleena Khan, co-founder of Dubai-based make-up brand CTZN Cosmetics agrees, “Smartphone usage and social media notifications are to blame. We’re not present because we don’t only live for real life but also for our ‘digital life’. Perhaps, that perpetuates more self-obsession and lesser genuine interest and care for others [around us].”

Unfortunately, our content consumption patterns have seeped into our real lives as well. “The digitalisation of communication has led to the seeking of instant gratification; we are continuously bombarded by stimuli. As a result, it has become difficult to sustain focus and minimise distractions,” says Rathore. “The rate at which people speak cannot compete with the rate at which we get information online, which may lead to boredom and impatience on the part of the listener. People want to get to the point quickly and have no patience to understand the deeper meaning and emotions behind the words being spoken. Plus, every time your phone or laptop buzzes, your attention is stolen, leaving little room for empathy and holding space for the person speaking to you,” explains Devidasani.

Another concern is a lack of reciprocation, highlights psychologist and psychotherapist Shaurya Gahlawat. “A lot of people are willing to listen but when the same love and concern is not offered back to them, their effort also declines.” Corroborating the same, a Reddit user shares, “I feel that everyone wants to talk but no one wants to listen. As a natural listener, I’m good at making people comfortable and getting them to talk about themselves; however, they never reciprocate with quality questions back. Like they enjoy being ‘interviewed’ but have no curiosity for me. It seems too many people want an audience, and not an equal partner.” As a relationship counsellor, when Gahlawat encounters couples who struggle with this issue, “setting aside dedicated, device-free time to talk, which significantly improves communication and emotional connection” is an advice that she swears by. 

How can you consciously become a good listener?

Being listened to can be very healing, opines Chandy. “In therapy, when someone opens up and feels like they have been listened to, they can experience healing. Making meaning out of what another person is saying is how we forge connections; we remember details about them and things they’ve told us, and we pay attention to their voice.” 

Arva Kagzi, a PR professional, ​​feels extremely put off when a comeback (or thought-back) is ready and waiting to be served. “When someone speaks to us, we tend to visualise and imagine ourselves in their place. For instance, anyone speaks of their relationship and the ‘listener’ is already thinking of their relationship. So, are we listening or is it just all about ourselves? The urge to express our opinion is so intense that we don’t even let the speaker finish or allow ourselves to process what we heard.” Explaining why this happens, Devidasani says that a preoccupied mind always prioritises speaking over listening. 

Here are a few expert-approved tips to imbibe the qualities of a good listener:

Cultivate Intention: “Before trying to work on being a good listener, we must understand what the purpose of being a good listener is. What are you trying to achieve? Better connections? A deeper understanding of someone? Maybe you’ve gotten feedback from your loved ones that you don’t listen well. Intentions are very important when trying to bring about a change,” explains Devidasani.

Listen to listen, not respond: “To be a good listener, you must tune out of everything else. Pay attention to their voice, body language, words they’re using. Paraphrase and ask questions to understand if what the person is saying is what you’re listening to,” recommends Chandy. “Let the speaker finish their thoughts before responding as it reflects respect,” adds Kohli. Knowing what not to do is more important, says Gahlawat. “Don't jump to conclusions, don’t offer unsolicited advice, don’t interrupt, and don’t over-share your experiences to overlap that of others.”

Leave no room for judgements: Ever thought why your therapist’s room feels like a safe space? It’s because it is conducive to vulnerability, minus any judgements. In her book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, journalist and author Kate Murphy states “getting rid of your own ego, your own thoughts” as crucial to being a good listener.

Never let go of empathy: This is probably the most important aspect in order to make the speaker feel safe, heard, comfortable, and expressive from the start. “Try to grasp the emotions behind the words. Empathise with the speaker’s feelings and experiences, and don’t hesitate to express empathy. Use phrases like ‘I can understand why you feel that way’ to show that you are connecting with their emotions,” recommends Kohli. 

Trace a root cause that impedes you from being a good listener: “For some individuals, like those with traits of ADHD, it’s hard for them to sustain attention for too long. For some, it is hard to take the focus off of what they’re going to say next because there’s pressure to be witty, say something smart, or perhaps a lack of confidence in carrying a conversation forward. For some people it can also be what is being discussed. For instance, if one generally tends to drift off when someone is being vulnerable, maybe there’s a larger issue to tend to than just being a bad listener. It’s important to stay curious so you can seek help if you are unable to relax or be present while listening,” suggests Devidasani.

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