Real love or just leverage? The truth about throning

There’s yet another new term in dating lingo that’s making the rounds, though conceptually can be as old as arranged marriages. Throning might be algorithm-heavy and gender-neutral, but is still just a modern spin on climbing the social ladder

Throning is the latest buzzword in the world of dating. Described as “dating (or marrying) someone for their social status rather than valuing their true self,” it’s essentially clout-chasing in romantic form. 

Consider this: Bollywood’s classic tropes often spotlight throning in action. From Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) to Kho Gaye Hum Kahan (2023), we’ve been primed to cheer for the protagonist who lands the ‘popular’ or ‘powerful’ partner. Kho Gaye Hum Kahan even has Adarsh Gourav’s character, a personal trainer, get into a clandestine relationship with a popular influencer so that he can bag high-profile clients. In CTRL (2024), revolving around influencer power couple Nella and Joe, the latter is caught cheating on Nella in a live stream, and it even goes viral. And let’s not forget matrimonial ads that demand a “beautiful, fair girl” or a man with a high salary. So, what makes throning feel new? The answer lies in the curated FOMO-fuelled world of social media and dating apps. 

The Algorithm of Ambition

Chirag Kothari, 30, a Mumbai-based businessman, recalls being “the popular guy” in his boarding school. A girl he liked started introducing herself as his girlfriend. They dated for a few months, until he realised that she was with him for the perks—social connections and an elevated status because of her association with him. Similarly, Shriya K., a 32-year-old brand strategist who lives between Bengaluru and Delhi, admits her younger self gravitated towards partners with wealth and social standing because she found their lives aspirational. 

A study published in Science Advances found that dating app users aim for matches that are 25 per cent more desirable than themselves—whether in terms of looks, career or lifestyle. With dating apps like Hinge and Bumble, the sheer volume of options creates the illusion of limitless possibilities. Why settle when you can swipe for an upgrade?

Modern Matchmaking or Digital Dowry?

In India, marrying for prestige isn’t new. Business families have long viewed marriage as a transactional deal, even depicted in films like Dil Dhadakne Do. “Earlier, men got dowry because they were seen as more desirable and hence prestigious,” notes Delhi-based journalist Dhrubo Jyoti. The idea of marrying for prestige has been around for a long time.“Earlier, prestige was tied to the status of the family or the job one holds. Now, it is becoming about likes and online visibility.” 

Prestige has been a deeply ingrained societal requisite in most Indian families, shaping how people view different types of relationships and social standing. “Arranged marriages were decided between families whose social standings mattered. Oftentimes, this involved families with businesses merging to grow financially and culturally. About 15-20 years ago, marrying someone because of their social standing was just conditioning. Today, it’s about social media, comparing accounts, and who will garner more eyeballs. It’s a collaboration between powerhouses,” says Alaokika Motwane, a Goa-based psychotherapist.

When it comes to dating apps, it is then natural for individuals to seek out a partner belonging to the same economic strata. Take, for instance, Medha Nag, a 26-year-old from Kolkata, who swipes right  on someone only if he works at a reputed place. “More than social climbing, it’s about seeking their ability to fit into my life because I come from a specific social strata and some pedigree,” says Nag, who has dated people who were great on paper; not all of them had particularly redeeming qualities. 

In fact, when The Established recently ran an online poll about dating for social standing, one Instagram user admitted they had given up on dating apps and started scouting LinkedIn for long-term partners instead. Surprisingly, they’ve had more success so far than on Hinge and Bumble. 

This shift is mirrored on dating apps, where “power daters” swipe for access to exclusive events or social circles. Jyoti recounts dates that interrupt him mid-sentence to ask for  “political gossip,” or even ask to take them to attend Parliament with him for the first date—not for political debates but for selfie opportunities.  Jyoti ghosted him. “The whole point, in this case, is to be seen at popular events or with popular people to get that validation on social media,” he says. 

Swipe Right for Clout

For musician Vishrut Shukla, 25, dating became a revolving door of networking opportunists. One partner would gaslight him into introducing her to his fellow musicians at gigs, even arguing publicly. “But she had her social circle and was with the ‘in crowd’ in Delhi,” he says. She still goes around telling people what gigs he’s playing, and has even showed up at a few, but hasn’t spoken to him for months.

When Priyanka* moved from Bhopal to Delhi after the pandemic, she didn’t know anyone in the city. Her colleagues mostly comprised married folk who rushed home after work, so there was no one to socialise with. Her only respite was people she met off dating apps. When she came across a relatively decent guy who knew people in the electronic music circuit, she found someone to accompany her to events. Moreover, her networking skills improved as they went to the same events where she was introduced to the who’s-who of the industry. “Even though there was no real attraction from my end, I dated him for six months. Sure, I furthered channels in the industry that I utilised only years after things ended with him, but I enjoyed his company, as did he,” admits Priyanka, who chooses to remain anonymous. “ I did feel guilty, especially when later on, he developed feelings. I told him a version of the truth, but things weren’t the same then,” she says.

People today are more open about discussing the perks of access, as it’s become more socially acceptable. “There’s no heavy commitment in asking someone to go to a party with you, as long as you’re honest and communicative and manage expectations. But if you realise someone is with you only for clout, it’s easy to disassociate—for them, it’s about the perks, not you as a person. Talking about it helps,” says Jyoti. He adds, “Plus, it can be flattering—it boosts your confidence when someone appreciates you.”

This appreciation often stems from the fact that having a sense of ambition is now seen as sexy. “When you’re settled in your career, have a stable job, and want to take care of your folks, you don’t have time for someone who’s just good-looking. You want someone driven because it means they’ll put in the effort in your relationship too,” says Nag. 

“Everyone is a brand today, and hence, focussed on building something for themselves,” says Kothari. He mentions meeting someone who seemed interested at first, but stopped responding after a few dates in, explaining she needed to weigh her options based on how much he earned. “She wanted someone who earned double than her (₹3 lakh a month) because she liked to travel and buy designerwear. Fair enough, but there’s a way to go about it,” says Kothari. 

Exclusive dating apps like Verona, designed for “dynamic, successful” individuals, or celebrity platforms like Raya, cater to these preferences. “When people you grew up with go on to become influencers or /content creators, the glamorous world seems more accessible,” says Jyoti. Social media has amplified making clout a visible currency. Being featured on someone famous or influential’s Instagram Reel—or having them follow you online—becomes a badge of validation.“There’s a certain confidence that comes with popularity because it’s [inherently] validating,” says Jyoti.

For marketing executive Anubhuti Raikwar, 38, earnings also translate to shared experiences and interests. Additionally, where they went to school and their education matters more than their current workplace or earnings. “Because what if someone is earning nothing in a start-up now but has the drive and plan to go ahead in his career? That’s extremely attractive,”  she says. However, generational wealth isn’t the same thing. Shriya, for example, went on a few dates with a man who claimed he didn’t care about money because he enjoyed the simple life. Turns out, he was just being funded by his wealthy parents. 

Love or Leverage?

For some, dating has become a branding exercise, with strategic couples leveraging their combined social capital for collaborations and creating content. Think of it as digital power couples—just with more filters. A power couple can generate content that would potentially outperform their solo efforts. However, throning truly works only when the initial attraction to someone’s social stature evolves into genuine affection. “If two powerful people come together and find their comfort and compatibility personally and professionally, then more power to them,” says Raikwar.

"When someone is upfront about seeking a partner with shared goals and drive, it’s empowering," explains Dr. Chandni Tugnait, MD (A.M) Psychotherapist and Founder-Director, Gateway of Healing. People thrive on online associations and who they know because it validates and legitimises them. “It’s a concept, it’s similar to what one would call a gold-digger but in the 2024 flavour: From financial security to social validation/reach,” says Shukla.

Motwane explains, “Some may call it being a gold-digger. If they have a developed conscience, and can reason justifiably, then that’s that. For a woman coming from financial deprivation, a man who can take care of her financially is attractive—it’s serving her purpose. Is she using him? Not if the intention isn’t malicious.” But it’s impossible to have a straightforward conversation even today because the person will get offended, she says. “Unless both of them are in it for mutual benefits. Relationships are now unfortunately becoming like transactions,” she says.

Kothari believes FOMO fuels throning. “People with fewer resources or who work in industries completely disconnected to any of the cultural dos or parties will have it worse. I did!” adds  Jyoti. 

While gold-diggers traditionally sought passive benefits, today's strategic partners actively participate in building something together, points out Tugnait. “They're more likely to co-create content, collaborate on projects, or combine their professional networks in ways that benefit both. People are more openly discussing their partner's career goals and trajectory, networks, and influence during early stages of dating—conversations that were once considered taboo or materialistic. It’s not just practical, it's smart.”

For some, it’s a numbers game. Like Nag’s friend’s partner, who cheated on her with an influencer with 300K followers on Instagram because he wanted visibility. “After they broke up in 2023, the ex did collaborative posts with the influencer, which did way better than his solo posts,” says Nag. 

“We live in a world where people care if their pictures are posted by a brand. We only saw celebrities do this for the longest time. But, our generation can be visible the same way. When people see former schoolmates living a lavish life as an influencer, the thought is, ‘why can’t I?’,” says Jyoti, admitting that a social media post is the new way of announcing anything because it gives instant validation. 

However, there is a downside too.“Some people resort to throning to such an extent that they get into long-term relationships and even get married to someone only because they want to show they are living their best life by travelling first-class, and have access to all that’s trending,” says Kothari.

Defending throning 

Ultimately, throning isn’t always about social climbing. Throning’s defenders argue that it’s also about survival in an era of relentless online visibility. Harshit*, who wishes to stay anonymous, says he dated someone to become friends with someone else who was relatively influential, in terms of a social media following. “That was the only way I could meet this influencer and have an association with them. Since I had just started a new business in the same field as the influencer, I gave it a go. It was a bunch of dates over a month and a half, and started off because I was lonely and agreed to go on group hangs with this person. If it wasn’t so casual, I would have felt bad. I thought about telling her about it before she caught onto it, but the need didn’t arise,” he says. He eventually got his business featured by the influencer, even boosting his social media following. He is still friends on Instagram with the person he dated.

“Through throning, people are choosing partners based on external validation—they've just switched from seeking approval from aunties and uncles to chasing likes from followers and blue ticks online. Despite the modern-day packaging, the core need for social validation is still deeply embedded,” says Tugnait.

“If there is genuine love, you bring in mutual concern, affection, and respect. And it will grow, whether it’s an arranged marriage or not. The fundamentals of relationships don’t change, no matter how you met the person,” says Motwane. So, even if one is marrying for social standing, the relationship should begin with respect and affection, and it can be healthy. "If you’re just marrying for the sake of money without any affection for the person, it may survive but won’t thrive or be healthy. It will eventually create misunderstandings and resentment because it is too transactional," she adds. 

While it’s easy to dismiss throning as superficial, the deeper truth is that we’re all chasing validation, whether from relatives at weddings or followers on social media. The difference? We’re in control of the narrative, even if it’s carefully curated.

* Names changed upon request.

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