Can mismatched ambition be a dealbreaker in your relationship?

In a world where our work often defines us, can differing levels of ambition between partners sabotage a relationship? Or could it teach us more about love, respect, and growth?

One partner is glued to their laptop at midnight, passionately chasing deadlines. The other is scrolling aimlessly, convinced they’ll “figure out life eventually.” Sounds familiar?  Bollywood has romanticised these dynamics in films like Wake Up Sid, Love Aaj Kal, Lakshya, and Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani. But while reel-life couples find their happily ever after, real-life relationships aren’t always as forgiving. 

For many millennials and Gen Z, their professional life headlines their self-worth, making ambition a significant criterion to pique  someone’s interest. Can a lack of accord in how two partners perceive work, ambition, and career goals then pose a threat to the relationship? 

How one’s idea of ambition impacts two

For those who identify themselves as workaholics, or are deeply attached to their work, ambition tops their personality traits, and can flow into their relationship dynamics. “It’s a big turn-off when you realise someone is lazy, unambitious, or just banking on their family’s money to get them through life,” says Bani Sachar, 21, a communication consultant and writer. “It also shows how inherently different they are from you.” According to Utkarsha Jagga, a counselling psychologist and founder of Coping Central, since work often takes up a fair share of our time and bandwidth as adults, couples  don’t necessarily need to have identical views. “It does help to have a partner who understands your ambition, but more than that, it’s about having complementary values that anchor a relationship,” says Jagga.

As societal pressures feed us with an unhealthy and unrealistic impression of ambition, an individual’s perception of ambition also helps us understand them, their work boundaries, and their outlook of personal life more comprehensively. “Working in the PR field, I’m often faced with an unpredictable schedule that requires prioritising work over personal time,” shares Rakshandha Mayekar, 27, account manager at DeTales Communications. “While ambition gives me a clear purpose and direction, I am not the ‘get there at all costs’ type. I have drawn a border for myself. Achieving my goals isn’t just about the result but also about staying true to my inter- and intra-personal values along the way.”

Can differences in ambition create a divide?

The “you do you” approach fails in most areas of a relationship because we’re always seeking like-minded people who are aligned with our goals, morals, values, and motivations. Incommensurate ambitions could then create multi-faceted problems in a relationship. Netijyata Mahendru, 31, founder of Broadcast Beauty Consultancy, admits that it would bother her if her partner isn’t as committed to their work as she is. “It’s not because I will respect them any less but because I always fear that they wouldn’t respect my work and all the responsibilities it comes with [if they aren’t as driven]. My work is a large part of my identity, and I won’t turn a blind eye to it just because my ambition bothers my partner. If it does, that person isn’t for me.”

While two people in a relationship do not always need to have homogenous levels of drive, being aligned on your partner’s idea of ambition is crucial, according to Mehak Rohira, a psychologist with The Mood Space. “Ambition can be an issue when it creates different priorities. If either partner feels neglected or misunderstood, that’s where it gets challenging. Feeling a bit of comparison, or even jealousy, is also natural.” In many relationships, the success of one partner can unintentionally make the other feel inferior, adds psychologist and relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh. “When one partner is highly career-driven, the other might feel like they’re being left behind, which can stir up fears of not being good enough. They might begin to feel overshadowed or disconnected, especially if they interpret the other’s drive as a form of emotional distance. It can unintentionally evoke feelings of inadequacy or anxiety in the partner who isn’t as career-focussed.”

Ambition and personal space are complexly intertwined. Sachar foresees constant ups and downs if she’s with someone who isn’t as ambitious as her. “He might expect me to be as free [with time] as him, and that’s bound to cause some problems. Since my work is important to me, I would like to dedicate a certain amount of time to it, come what may,” she says. Setting the right intentions in this matter and being mindful of your partner’s expectations, hence, becomes important, adds Aditi Chandanani, a UAE-based mental health coach. “If you’re taking out time from other parts of your life and pouring that into work, it’s bound to create trouble. And, if there is a passing phase at work that demands more of you, conveying that to your partner in advance could be helpful.” 

When you’re gauging an individual before committing to a relationship or shifting gears to something more serious, such as marriage, ambition takes utmost priority, if it didn’t earlier. “I am drawn to intellectual conversations; I want to hear about a guy’s goals, passions, and plans to achieve his dreams. Shared ambition also gives a sense of what your future together could look like and helps you decide if that’s something you want to sign up for in the longer run,” shares Mayekar. “While love is a core part of a relationship, I believe it’s not enough on its own to sustain it. Let’s face it—when life gets real, love can sometimes take a backseat and that’s when mutual goals, dreams, and ambitions keep the relationship moving forward.”

When—and how—can you make it work

Does incongruity in a relationship impulsively require you to call it quits? Not really. “It’s perfectly fine to be in a relationship where one partner is heavily career-oriented and the other is pursuing a job just because it’s a job. However, it will matter a lot if they are unaware of the role that work plays in each others’ lives,” says Hansika Kapoor, a psychologist with Monk Prayogshala. “Just like any other area ripe for conflict, this too can snowball into arguments if clear communication has not been established in the relationship regarding professional work.” She also points out the play of gender bias in this subject. “Some men feel threatened by more accomplished women, and women are more likely to be penalised in a patriarchal society for being ambitious.” Genderisation of ambition, in any manner, is a major red flag.

To make any relationship work, open and honest communication is paramount. Even more so when mammoth ambition gaps exist in couples. “If I genuinely like someone or see potential, I am open to giving it a shot. But, I am also realistic. I wouldn’t want to push a relationship for too long if I don’t see growth or alignment over time—it wouldn’t be fair to waste either of our time,” says Mayekar. “Relationships, like work, demand continuous effort. Successfully navigating mismatched ambition requires communication, compromise, and clear boundaries around time, priorities, and support,” explains Jagga. 

Considering most of us have grown up conditioned to be competitive, judging someone for not being as goal-oriented as you is natural, says Chandanani. “When that happens recurrently, you might start losing respect for your partner.” She adds, “If your individual careers are the only medium for mutual growth, sticking around with someone who isn’t as driven as you can be tough. But it’s also important to note that later in life, women go through menopause or both women and men through mid-life crises, which could alter their outlook towards work. In such moments, developing judgments isn’t ideal.” It can also help if you use the difference in ambition between you and your partner to your advantage; while polarity is a risk, having a varied professional setting could also bring balance and stability to a relationship. “Psychological research indicates that some people and relationships thrive on complementary qualities, not necessarily identical ones,” says Kapoor. 

If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, and mismatched ambition that developed over time is jeopardising your equation, considering couple’s therapy can be fruitful. “If one partner feels consistently undervalued or unsupported, or if the ambition gap causes chronic conflict, professional help can provide tools for reframing the situation. A therapist can help facilitate healthy communication, ensuring that each partner’s emotional needs are met while working through any ambivalence about the relationship’s future,” says Ruuh. If you’re genuinely invested in the goodwill of your relationship, “it’s really about making sure that ambition doesn’t come at the expense of each other,” concludes Rohira.

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