How to set boundaries in a relationship that mistakes love for access

In India, relationships have traditionally been shaped by ideas of duty, respect for elders, and emotional endurance. In that framework, conversations about how to set boundaries in a relationship rarely took centre stage.  

Indian pop culture has repeatedly blurred lines around personal space. Ae Dil Hai Mushkil(2016), Dil Dhadakne Do(2015), Kabir Singh (2019), Kapoor and Sons (2016), and Gehraayiaan (2022) are among the many films that portray intensity as love, persistence as devotion, and intrusion as passion. In these stories, personal boundaries become negotiable.

“Many of us were raised in systems where togetherness was prioritised over individuality. Adjustment is praised, and sacrifice is glorified,” says Aanandita Vaghani, a mental health counsellor and founder of Unfix Your Feelings. “Questioning elders can be seen as disrespectful. Privacy is often mistaken for secrecy. In such an environment, saying ‘this doesn’t work for me’ can feel like rebellion.”  

Within such a structure, drawing boundaries can feel unfamiliar, even confrontational, adds Vaghani.“Over time, people learn to maintain harmony at the cost of personal comfort.” Deepti Chandy, COO at Anna Chandy & Associates, offers everyday examples, “Dropping by someone’s house unannounced, borrowing belongings without asking the other person, or expecting emotional availability at all times can all be seen as normal, even loving.”

When boundaries are repeatedly violated, relationships erode slowly and resentment begins to build. 

What setting boundaries in relationships actually means

Conversations about drawing personal boundaries entered mainstream discourse in India relatively recently. “My first therapy session was nearly a decade ago, and back then, the word ‘boundary’ was not used as frequently, or comprehended with as much depth as we see now. In hindsight, I needed professional intervention to truly understand the word—and its violations in my life,” says Krishna Rao*, a New Delhi-based writer. 

Personal boundaries define where one person ends and another begins. Therapist and relationship counsellor Dr Devanshi Desai describes them as internal or external limits that must not be transgressed. “All of us need these boundaries to protect our well-being and to establish how we want to be treated by others. They may not be tangible, but that does not make them any less important or real,” explains Desai. 

Boundaries are subjective and shaped by one’s personality, past experiences, and comfort levels, shares Chandy. “What feels comfortable to one person may feel intrusive to another. For example, one partner may enjoy sharing everything, while another may need personal space.”   

“As a single child and a woman, I have grown up living a very sheltered life. Until, I moved to Mumbai as an adult to discover my personal space,” says New Delhi-based journalist Karnika Verma*. “During the COVID-19 pandemic, when I moved back home, my mother cleaning my room felt like someone was going through my things.” As the distinction became clearer and stronger, Verma moved to another apartment close by. “I know my mother was doing everything out of love and care, but I had simply become more aware of my boundaries.” 

“THEY [BOUNDARIES] MAY NOT BE TANGIBLE, BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE THEM ANY LESS IMPORTANT OR REAL” –– Dr Devanshi Desai

Learning how to set boundaries in a relationship often becomes emotionally loaded with parents due to generational differences, adds Desai. With partners, blurred expectations around becoming “one unit” can dilute individuality. 

Signs your boundaries in relationships are being violated

In close relationships, blurred boundaries often pass as normal behaviour. “Boundary violations rarely show up as dramatic, obvious events,” concurs Vaghani. “A client could say, ‘It’s not a big deal,’ but could be exhausted. Some of the most common signs are guilt for needing space, anxiety before responding to a message, over-explaining simple decisions, and saying ‘it’s fine’ when it isn’t. Often, the other person repeatedly dismisses their feelings or pushes past limits that were already expressed. The first sign is almost never chaos—it’s self-depletion.”

Many violations are subtle enough to be mistaken for personality traits. People-pleasing. Overworking. Always being available. Constant emotional access. 

“The first manifestation was rage and anger, ironically, an inheritance from the same person (my mother) who had led to this rage in the first place,” confesses Rao. Resentment is often one of the earliest indicators, adds Chandy, along with irritation, anger, and emotional withdrawal.

For Priyanka Mehta*, a Mumbai-based marketing & PR, a line was drawn around privacy and open communication. “For as early as I can remember, my parents would violate these boundaries. When I was younger, it made me feel scared, anxious, and misunderstood.” These subtle emotional cues can be signals that something feels crossed or unbalanced, says Chandy, and when ignored, they only intensify. When learning how to set boundaries in a relationship, the first step is recognising when they are already being crossed.

At the extreme end, boundary violations can escalate into physical, sexual or verbal harm. “Financial abuse, intrusion of personal space, constant criticism, controlling behaviour, and overlooking consent repeatedly are some other examples. When we start feeling unsure about expressing our real feelings and needs, this is a sign that we are in an unsafe relationship where our boundaries can be breached anytime,” notes Desai.

Consent sits at the centre of all of it. “Consent is the bedrock of all intimate relationships and directly influences how healthy an equation is. It is important not just in physical intimacy but also in the decisions that impact mental, emotional, and even financial well-being. When consent is overlooked, boundaries naturally get disregarded as well. When two people in a relationship respect boundaries and understand the importance of consent, there is emotional regulation and ease in emotional expression,” shares Desai. 

What happens when boundaries are crossed in a relationship

Much like anxiety or stress, a breach of personal boundaries is intangible, with multiple ripple effects— physically, emotionally, and psychologically. 

The body expresses what the mouth doesn’t. “Mentally, you become hyper-alert. Emotionally, you feel unseen or taken for granted. Physically, it can manifest as tension, fatigue, headaches, digestive issues,” states Vaghani. “The feeling of being overextended, unacknowledged, or emotionally drained can show up as irritability, withdrawal, avoidance, or silent resentment. Over time, chronic emotional stress can affect mental well-being and even manifest physically,” concurs Chandy. 

When parents don’t respect their child’s boundaries, anxiety, self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and hiccups with self-expression become potential ill-effects. And, when one partner violates another’s boundaries, the relationship’s foundation trembles. “My partner has crossed multiple boundaries pertaining to sex. I’m in a hard spot now because he has been showing signs of change, but I’m scared he will just do something again. He has also said he is going to start therapy. I haven’t seen any actual signs of him making an effort to see a therapist other than him telling me he is going to go. But, I can’t help but look at him differently. I’ve noticed it can be hard to be around him, and I also really don’t crave sex with him,” shares a user on Reddit. 

Why setting boundaries is mistaken for conflict 

In many relationships, especially within families, asserting a limit can feel disruptive. Often, it unsettles an existing dynamic. In several cultures, there is no widely practised language to articulate personal boundaries in ways that clearly separate individual identity from social expectations, notes Desai. Silence is often read as respect. Tolerance is mistaken for virtue, and directness can be interpreted as defiance. These dynamics make boundary setting difficult. 

“OFTEN, THE OTHER PERSON REPEATEDLY DISMISSES THEIR FEELINGS OR PUSHES PAST LIMITS THAT WERE ALREADY EXPRESSED. THE FIRST SIGN IS ALMOST NEVER CHAOS—IT’S SELF-DEPLETION” –– Anandita Vaghani

“Ideally, a boundary is a calm expression of personal limits. Conflict, on the other hand, is friction between opposing needs or values. In theory, they’re separate. But in practice—especially in environments where hierarchy, family authority or collective values are strong—asserting a boundary can be experienced as conflict,” says Mehta. She recalls that when she wanted more autonomy as a teenager, her request for space was read as defiance. 

The distinction often lies in delivery and timings, adds Desai. “Setting a boundary is not an attack. It is a statement of what you are willing to accept and what you are not. When you say, ‘Your tone is not okay with me,’ you are describing behaviour and its impact. When you say, ‘Don’t yell at me,’ it can sometimes sound reactive. The intention matters. One is clarity; the other can feel like confrontation. Conflict usually grows when boundaries are not expressed early enough or clearly.”

Understanding how to set boundaries in a relationship involves separating assertion from aggression. A boundary defines participation rather than attempting to control the other person. “To choose your battles, to hold your tongue even when it seems impossible to do so, but to do it anyway and avoid the baiting of someone who has always violated your boundaries and is inviting you further in a strange arena where they violate that space all over again—these are not always easy things to achieve,” shares Rao. 

“Conflict is usually about changing someone else or winning a point. A boundary is about defining your participation. What feels like ‘creating drama’ is often just ending silent compliance. People who were comfortable when you absorbed everything may interpret clarity as confrontation. That interpretation does not make the boundary inappropriate,” says Vaghani.

How to set boundaries in a relationship without escalating conflict

Boundaries are rarely absolute. What feels reasonable to one person may feel abrupt to another. For those figuring out how to set boundaries in a relationship, clarity matters more than intensity. 

Experts often point to three shifts: identifying the behaviour, naming its impact, and stating what you will do if it continues. The emphasis is on defining your own participation rather than trying to regulate someone else’s.  “Use ‘I’ statements such as: ‘I feel…’, ‘I would prefer…’, ‘I am not comfortable with…’.  Keep your tone steady and choose a moment when you are emotionally regulated. Boundaries communicated in anger often sound like attacks,” advises Chandy.

“IDEALLY, A BOUNDARY IS A CALM EXPRESSION OF PERSONAL LIMITS. CONFLICT, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS FRICTION BETWEEN OPPOSING NEEDS OR VALUES. IN THEORY, THEY’RE SEPARATE” –– Priyanka Mehta* 

“The most effective boundaries are specific, calm, and consistent. Long emotional speeches tend to dilute the message. Personal attacks escalate defensiveness. Boundaries don’t require intensity; they require repetition, which comes with a challenge of tolerating the reaction on the side,” adds Vaghani.

Psychologist Radhika Bapat situates this within the Indian context. “We are expected to respect the needs of the collective, sometimes at the cost of autonomy. For instance, if we choose to depend on our parents well into adulthood, seeking personal space within their home becomes a complicated negotiation. Similarly, if we rightfully expect parents to help raise our children, expecting them not to co-parent in the way they know best is a difficult call to make.” 

She continues, “We cannot simply import individualism while continuing to have righteous expectations from our family and partners. This is a serious oversight. At the same time, always putting the needs of the family or partner over oneself, even in toxic situations, leads to an overwhelming burden, especially on complying with the status quo for women. It leads to chronic self-erasure.”

Structural power shapes who gets to assert boundaries, notes Verma. “A woman may find it harder to set boundaries than a man because of the power dynamics.” In such situations, clarity becomes less about comfort and more about self-preservation. 

When discomfort turns into red flags 

Not every breach looks explosive. Some unfold quietly, through repetition. Understanding how to set boundaries in a relationship starts with recognising that repetition. 

“With partners, direct and present-focused communication tends to work best. I encourage specificity rather than generalisation. Instead of ‘You always ignore me,’ it’s more effective to say, ‘When this happens, I feel dismissed.’ With parents, the terrain is more layered,” says Vaghani. “There’s history, hierarchy, and often emotional guilt. Sometimes, conversation helps. Sometimes, reducing what you share or limiting exposure is more effective than repeated debates.” She continues, “In therapy, much of the work is helping clients regulate the guilt or fear that arises after asserting themselves. The struggle is rarely about finding the right sentence. It’s about tolerating the emotional aftermath of saying it.”

“WE CANNOT SIMPLY IMPORT INDIVIDUALISM WHILE CONTINUING TO HAVE RIGHTEOUS EXPECTATIONS FROM OUR FAMILY AND PARTNERS” –– Radhika Bapat

Some violations can be addressed through conversation. Others signal deeper instability.

“Speaking of both relationships with partners and parents, red flags could range from physical, sexual or verbal violence, subtle intimidation, financial exploitation, emotional manipulation by guilt, gaslighting and controlling behaviour, checking gadgets repeatedly without consent, and coercion of any kind,” says Desai. 

When boundaries around  physical, sexual, emotional or financial safety are repeatedly dismissed, clarity alone may not restore balance. Walking away is also a type of boundary.

*Names changed to withhold identity.