Subscribe to our newsletter and be the first to access exclusive content and expert insights.

subscribe now subscribe cover image
Tejaswi Subramanian profile imageTejaswi Subramanian

Your child identifies as queer - what now? We asked parents of queer children about their experience. Here's their take on how to support your queer child.

Unlearning bias: Parents on raising queer children

While raising a child comes with its own complexities, these complexities are often magnified when a child identifies as queer

For most parents, raising children is a path of discovery and growth. Yet, for parents of queer children, this path often involves navigating uncharted waters. While raising any child comes with its own complexities, these complexities are often magnified when a child identifies as queer. Furthermore, this experience is interwoven with layers of societal prejudice, cultural expectations, and personal fears.

In India, where societal norms deeply influence personal beliefs and family dynamics, the journey toward acceptance and affirmation is particularly unique. Many parents face a dual challenge—of not only accepting their children’s queerness but also affirming it in a society where such identities are often misunderstood or stigmatised.

A Journey of Learning and Evolution for Parents

Dr. Sanjay Sharma (he/him) is a “60-year-young” retired air commodore and the CEO and Managing Director of Association for Transgender Health in India (ATHI). “I had a great relationship with my parents. They were pretty progressive for their times, and valued independence and resilience,” shares Dr. Sharma. When his daughter, Teya (she/her)came out as a trans-woman, Dr. Sharma admits to needing some time to process her identity. “It took us time to understand, majorly because the so-called professionals who were supposed to guide us kept painting a picture which was scary,” he admits. This lack of guidance, coupled with the societal stigma, made it much harder for him to support his child through the transition. Despite these hurdles, his commitment to Teya never wavered. “There was never a doubt in my mind as to whether I should stand by my child,” he asserts.

His father’s advice: “Bachcha tera hai na. Toh tu uske saath khada ho ja. Main tere saath hoon,” or “Your child is your own—stand by them, and I’ll stand by you,” gave him strength in difficult times. The journey of understanding and acceptance, however, was not without its challenges. Dr. Sharma acknowledges, “I confess I ended up doing a lot of stupid things out of ignorance.” Despite the challenges, he and Teya navigated this together, reflecting a broader lesson about familial resilience. “The greatest lesson I learned is that life is not easy and there will always be hurdles, but we can surmount them if we accept each other’s quirks and stick together as a family,” he notes.

Dr. Sanjay Sharma shares a caring bond with his daughter Teya, who came out as a trans-woman

Dr. Sanjay Sharma shares a caring bond with his daughter Teya, who came out as a trans-woman

For parents of queer children, the path of parenting often involves navigating uncharted waters. Image: Pexels

For parents of queer children, the path of parenting often involves navigating uncharted waters. Image: Pexels

For sixty-eight-year-old Pradeep Divgikar (he/him), father to Sushant Divgikar (he/they/she)—widely known as Rani KoHEnur—the values he imparted as a parent, rooted in love and support, have an enduring quality to them. "As a parent, the most crucial aspect is offering unconditional love and support. My children have shown me the importance of staying relevant and evolving with the world," he says.

Coming from a progressive family where his parents allowed him the freedom to grow, Pradeep aims to provide the same environment for his children. “Trust your children to make their own decisions instead of imposing outdated ideas upon them,” he advises. Reflecting on his own upbringing, he adds, "Although my parents were supportive, I often wonder how they would have reacted if I had been different from what societal norms dictate."

On the other hand, 51-year-old Thane-based artist and healer,Madhurie Pandit (she/her), grew up in a stringent, conservative household where emotional connection felt distant. "I never shared anything with my parents because I felt they wouldn’t understand," she says. However, as a parent herself, Madhurie vowed to be different, especially when it came to supporting her child, Pearl Mathais (he/him), a selectively-out trans man.

Determined to build a more open relationship with Pearl, she ensured that he felt comfortable sharing his feelings. "Having heart-to-heart, open-minded conversations is key,” says Madhurie.

Pearl, a 24-year-old game tester in Bengaluru, appreciates the emotional effort his mother has put into their relationship. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my parents,” he says, highlighting the importance of trust and understanding in their bond. Though Pearl’s relationship with them has its challenges—especially as a child of divorced parents—he credits them for fostering a space where he feels comfortable and accepted.

Parents should be open to adapting to the evolving realities of a new generation. Image: Unsplash

Parents should be open to adapting to the evolving realities of a new generation. Image: Unsplash

Embracing Change as a Parent

As children grow and explore their identities, parents too must learn to grow and change alongside them, adapting to the evolving realities of a new generation. For many, this is a fundamental shift in mindset that requires openness to innovation, flexibility, and a willingness to unlearn ideas that they grew up with.

"Changing with the times is the biggest lesson," says Madhurie, emphasising the need to evolve with her child, Pearl. For her, it’s not about forcing old methods onto new challenges but about growing alongside Pearl, fostering an environment of trust and open communication. Pradeep, too, acknowledges this ongoing process of change, and views parenting not just as guiding children but as learning from them, allowing their experiences to shape his understanding of the world. “As a parent, you have to be willing to let go of expectations and allow your children to discover their own path. It’s about support, not control,” he says

Standing by the child in the face of social stigma

Most parents of queer children wrestle with the societal stigma attached to queerness. Despite their fears and anxieties, these parents can choose to stand by their children, putting their love and acceptance for them above all else.

“When I learned about Harish’s sexuality, I was okay with it, but I was afraid to face my family,” recalls Padma Iyer (she/her), mother of Harish (he/she). Coming from a traditional, orthodox family, Padma was concerned about societal rejection. “I was frightened about the outcome, if he’d be ostracised,” she admits. However, Padma’s commitment to her son remained unwavering. "What is there to accept? He had been my child earlier, and he continues to be," she says, choosing to stand by Harish, even when faced with resistance from others. "When the child comes out, they are liberated, but parents have to face the music," explains Padma.

Harish, too, acknowledges the unique journey his mother undertook: "When children come out of the closet, parents often find themselves in a closet of their own."  This metaphor captures the isolation parents feel when navigating deep-seated societal expectations and cultural taboos.

Padmya Iyer and her son Harish

Padmya Iyer and her son Harish

Determined to build a more open relationship with her son Pearl, a trans-man, Madhurie Pandit ensured that he felt comfortable sharing his feelings

Determined to build a more open relationship with her son Pearl, a trans-man, Madhurie Pandit ensured that he felt comfortable sharing his feelings

Building Personal and Professional Equations 

For some parents, supporting their queer children extends beyond personal acceptance into shared endeavours and mutual growth. Simmi Nanda (she/her) and her son Ashish exemplify this dynamic. They co-founded Be Unic, a platform dedicated to showcasing the talents and voices of queer individuals, which went on to be featured on the reality TV show, Shark Tank. This venture has not only strengthened their bond but also created a supportive business community for other queer folx.

“Our relationship is wonderful,” shares Simmi. “We build it by putting ourselves in each other’s shoes. I attend all his events and support him wholeheartedly. It brings me immense joy to be so involved in his life.” Simmi’s experience attending her first-ever Pride event with Ashish was transformative. “I was initially scared and felt out of place,” she admits, but witnessing the supportive community around her helped her feel at ease. Now, she is proud to participate actively, both as a mother and as an ally. 

Simmi Nanda and her son Ashish pitching Be Unic on Shark Tank

Simmi Nanda and her son Ashish pitching Be Unic on Shark Tank

Cementing Family Bonds

For these parents, the experience of raising queer children—despite being laced with hurdles—has only further strengthened their family dynamic, creating deeper bonds that are rooted in trust, acceptance, and mutual learning.

Padma’s involvement in Pride marches with her son Harish, Pradeep’s deepening trust in his children’s choices, Madhurie’s commitment to evolving alongside Pearl, and Simmi and Ashish’s shared professional and personal growth—all reflect how these experiences reinforce family ties. As Pradeep puts it, “Parents must be supportive, patient, and trusting, and in turn, their children will blossom in a space of acceptance.”

Seeking Support from External Sources

Many parents find external support systems crucial in helping them understand their children’s queer identities. Padma’s participation in queer-affirming events alongside Harish led her to establish Sweekar, a support group for parents of LGBTQ individuals. "Sweekar was born with 10 parent-members who had children belonging to the LGBTQ community," shares Padma. Inspired by the need for greater parental support, filmmaker Sridhar Rangayan (known for his film Evening Shadows) helped by setting aside some money for the group’s creation. Many others, like Dr. Sharma, continue to be members of the group, supporting one another through their parenting journeys. Through his involvement with Sweekar, Dr. Sharma advises parents to “have faith in your children, accept their narrative, and grow with them.”

Similarly, Simmi immersed herself in educational content and interacted with Ashish’s friends to better understand his experience. “Watching content related to queer issues helped me grow,” she says. For both Padma and Simmi, such resources have been invaluable, helping them grow not only as parents but also become stronger, empathetic allies.

Many parents find external support systems crucial in helping them understand their children’s queer identities

Many parents find external support systems crucial in helping them understand their children’s queer identities

By creating a supportive environment and embracing their child's individuality, parents help foster a sense of security and self-worth, allowing their child to thrive Image: Unsplash

By creating a supportive environment and embracing their child's individuality, parents help foster a sense of security and self-worth, allowing their child to thrive Image: Unsplash

The Established X Gaysi Family Guide to Parenting Queer Folx

Embrace Unconditional Love and Support: "To offer unconditional love and support is the most crucial aspect of raising children," says Pradeep Divgikar. He believes that parents should trust their children to discover their own paths and avoid imposing personal expectations. "Be patient, be supportive, and, at the end of it all, provide unconditional acceptance and love," he advises. Pradeep emphasises the importance of ensuring that children do not feel guilty about their identity. By creating a supportive environment and embracing their child's individuality, parents help foster a sense of security and self-worth, allowing their child to thrive.

Educate Yourself Continuously: Simmi Nanda stresses upon the importance of education: “Start education early and challenge traditional norms from childhood.” Learning about queer identities and experiences is an ongoing process; it not only enhances your understanding but also equips you to better support your child. Each new insight you gain helps bridge gaps in understanding, hence reflecting your commitment to their well-being.

Foster Open Communication: "Your child has trusted you enough to come out to you, and that takes your responsibility as a parent a notch higher," advises Madhurie Pandit. Listening without judgment and showing understanding are essential to building trust with your child. By offering a safe, non-judgmental space, you encourage them to share openly, deepening your connection. Communication isn’t just about talking—it’s about truly listening and supporting them with empathy.

Adapt and Grow with Your Child: Dr. Sanjay Sharma highlights the importance of “accepting the narrative presented by your child” and learning to unlearn and grow with them. “Your job as a parent is to provide a nurturing environment—they will shape their destiny themselves,” he shares. It’s about growing alongside them, ensuring your support matches their needs as they evolve.

Engage with Supportive Communities: For Padma Iyer, the value of connecting with others is crucial. “My child became my teacher, educating me about the LGBTQ identity. I attended community meets with him, and it strengthened our bond.” Finding support groups and engaging with resources helps parents gain insights, reassurance, and the opportunity to share experiences with others in similar situations. By doing so, they can feel less isolated and more empowered.

Sushant Divgikar always found a supportive parent in her father, Pradeep

Sushant Divgikar always found a supportive parent in her father, Pradeep

Raising queer children doesn’t just involve acceptance but also allows room for personal evolution and growth for the parents. Image: Pexels

Raising queer children doesn’t just involve acceptance but also allows room for personal evolution and growth for the parents. Image: Pexels

Being more in sync

Model Inclusivity in Everyday Life: Show your child that you value diversity by incorporating inclusive practices into your daily routine. This will require some self-awareness and introspection on your part, as you might need to unpack and challenge your own conditioning. Breaking down traditional gender roles and stereotypes within the home can lead to significant shifts in relational dynamics. For instance, questioning and adjusting gendered expectations or stereotypical behaviours that you might have previously accepted can create a more inclusive environment. These changes, while potentially uncomfortable, can foster a more accepting and supportive atmosphere for your child and promote broader family growth.

Encourage Self-Expression and Creativity: Support your child’s unique ways of expressing themselves, whether through art, performance, or other creative means. Encouraging them to explore and share their true selves can boost their confidence. By supporting their self-expression, you help them feel more secure in their identity and foster their creativity. 

These pointers offer a roadmap to supporting your queer child with compassion, openness, and understanding. Embrace each step with a heartfelt commitment to growth and connection, and you may find that this journey brings both personal fulfillment and a deeper bond with your child.

Raising queer children doesn’t just involve acceptance but also allows room for personal evolution and growth for the parents. When parents commit to supporting their queer children, they affirm their children’s identities, further strengthening familial bonds.

Curated by Gaysi Family | Illustration by: Anjali Nair

Also Read: Understanding queer 'firsts'–from crushes to Pride marches

Also Read: For lesbians, coming out to their mothers involves unlearning notions of gendered roles and stereotypes

Also Read: Having a toxic parent often impacts you negatively as an adult


Subscribe for More

Subscribe to our newsletter and be the first to access exclusive content and expert insights.

subscribe now