What do you do when sex begins to seem like a task?

A fulfilling sex life isn’t only about physical pleasure but being mindful of your partner’s needs and your own 

Several aspects of our lives operate on autopilot, albeit, some must not. Case in point: our sex life. While sex, as a basic need, is innate to humans, many struggle with attaining sexual gratification. 

According to Ipsos, 76 per cent of Indians claimed to be satisfied with their sex life. For a country like India, which considers sex and pleasure as topics of taboo, securing the first rank in global surveys of the most sexually satisfied countries is astonishing—and exciting—in equal parts. However, roadblocks still exist. For instance, a massive pleasure gap—81 per cent of Indian women claim to be dissatisfied with their sex lives—is a pressing concern. Various factors contribute to a plummeting sex life, including concepts such as ‘duty sex’ and ‘barter sex’ that prioritise the needs of the man; the introduction of children in a relationship; or, in some cases, simply having a sexual relationship with the same person for a long period of time. 

“Multiple factors play a role in making a couple’s relationship a success. Sex is definitely a part of it,” emphasises Dr Varuna Srinivasan, founder of Fluid Health, a queer-affirmative sexual wellness platform. We talk to experts to understand what makes sex seem like a task, and what are the interpersonal and intrapersonal ways to fix the same. 

When and why does sex become a chore?

“I have been with my boyfriend (30s) for a while now—we get along really well and I really do love him. However, for the first time in any relationship, I have no passion.. It's not like things have gotten stale in the bedroom; I'm not neglected by any means, and I've tried to figure out the issue (even going to a therapist for a while) but it just feels like I’m going through the motions rather than actually engaging,” read a post by a 20-year-old female on Reddit, while another post by a man says, “I need help with my marriage. Been married 12 years (together for 16) and I cannot seem to get my wife to express love to me. My love language is physical touch and I genuinely need it. However, I feel like my wife views sex as a chore…straight up. I literally have to ask and it is humiliating because when I do ask, it is met with a sigh and a feeling of obligation rather than an opportunity to connect.”

“Multiple factors play a role in making a couple’s relationship a success. Sex is definitely a part of it,” emphasises Dr Varuna SrinivasanDifferent people look at sex from different lenses. For some, emotional connection has to be a precursor, while for some, being curious and getting experimental supersedes everything else. Sex is prone to take a backseat in long-term relationships or marriages due to a number of reasons such as lack of communication or spontaneity and mismatched sexual desires. “High levels of stress from work, chores or other pressures can lower one’s libido and make sex feel like just another item on one’s to-do list,” says Ruchi Ruuh, a relationship counsellor and psychologist. “Many couples get bored as sex becomes a predictable routine and lacks novelty. Mix it with fatigue and long working hours, and they find it less interesting as time goes by.” 

According to research, women are more likely to lose interest in sexual engagements the longer their relationship has lasted. Another report reveals that women experience declining libidos over time, as compared to men—Blame it on the objectification of women, the disparity in unpaid labour, the absence of alignment on sexual preferences between the partners, or preconceived gender stereotypes that prevent women from expressing themselves sexually. The grey intersection of these factors makes sex a mere chore for women more than men. “Partners with misaligned sexual desires can feel inadequate and guilty, thus making sex seem like a task for one or both. Unresolved conflicts, communication breakdowns, and emotional distance outside the bedroom can aggravate trust issues, resentments, or a complete emotional disconnection,” shares Ruuh. 

“When two people are not clear about how to meet each other’s needs, it might feel like a chore, an obligation. Sex almost becomes procreative rather than recreative. Consistently engaging in a pattern where one person stifles their own desires and boundaries can lead to long-term resentment,” says Srinivasan, highlighting why pleasure is important while indulging in sex. “I think sex can feel like a chore for several reasons, which many of our customers have shared over time. One key factor is the loss of novelty and adventure that comes with the predictability and stability of long-term relationships. As humans, we all crave spontaneity and excitement. So when intimacy becomes a routine, it often loses its thrill,” shares Anushka Gupta, co-founder of MyMuse, a sexual wellness brand. 

At times, painful episodes after or during the act could rob away the joy from indulging in it. “It depends on one’s age, hormones, and any history of trauma. In many cases, feeling anxious can cause pelvic pain during sex or difficulty achieving an erection, ejaculating, or having an orgasm. A lot of queer women experience pelvic pain in their lifetime which can have a direct impact on how they approach sex and intimacy,” says Srinivasan. Some women could also experience vaginismus, which can be resolved under the supervision of a medical expert

What makes sexual compatibility important?

Perpetual denial of sex by a spouse equates to mental health cruelty, according to the Supreme Court of India. While you may or may not agree with it, that prospering and fulfilling sex life is amongst the foundational pillars of a relationship is a fact. Upon being asked why a great sex life is an integral part of a healthy relationship, Srinivasan explains, “The word ‘great’ is subjective. It can mean different things to different people. For one couple it might mean opening their marriage, exploring new techniques, having sex less/more often or finding better ways to communicate. Oftentimes, a great deal of dissatisfaction in relationships stems from sexual incompatibility.”

“A fulfilling sex life isn’t only about physical pleasure but helps increase satisfaction within the relationship too,” says Ruuh. “Sex is a language of love (physical touch) and helps in creating deep emotional connections between partners. The release of oxytocin (or the ‘love hormone’) during sex enhances feelings of trust and closeness. Endorphins and dopamine help partners feel rewarded and promote happiness. Sex also becomes an effective communication tool in the bedroom, which often translates to better communication outside of it. Regular sex improves body image issues and confidence, making partners feel more desirable towards each other.”

Reviving your sex life isn’t as tough as you think

From simple things like engaging in foreplay and using toys to more mindful measures such as sex therapy and couple counselling, bringing fulfilment to your sex life isn’t always difficult. “Sexual compatibility is harnessed and can be cultivated by both partners,” concurs Srinivasan. Stating the first step to do so, the expert says, “It sounds cliche but communication is key. Talking about what turns you on, what doesn’t, feeling safe enough to turn the other person down, finding other ways to be intimate, and providing enough space and support for the other person are all important.”

Ruuh suggests being mindful of how you build your relationship dynamic, and how you tackle unfavourable or stressful situations together. “The foundation of a better sex life is always [about] the emotional connection and intimacy you feel with your partner. The more you trust them and feel heard and seen, the more frequently you’ll feel like engaging sexually with them. So firstly, start working on creating more positive sentiments in the relationship. Work on reducing stress outside the relationship and help each other feel a little less burdened.” The relationship counsellor also recommends being receptive to each other’s desires. “Start being more honest and non-judgemental while discussing the sexual desires, fantasies, and needs of your partner. Our sexual personalities keep evolving with our life experiences and it is important to understand them.” 

Along the same lines, Ruuh states the importance of exploring new sexual fantasies and techniques. “Take time out to please your partner and know their body. It could include role play, dirty talk, sensual massages, erotic touching, and even experimenting with sex toys.” Gupta, meanwhile, admits that there is a skewed notion that sex toys are solely for masturbation. “Sex toys are designed to enrich all aspects of sexual wellness, including couple's play. For example, toys can be used during foreplay to build intimacy, or during the act to enhance sensations for both partners. They are incredibly versatile tools for exploration and allow you to discover new ways to give and receive pleasure.”

While sex toys can play a catalyst in rebooting your sex life, many individuals are sceptical to introduce them during the act, perhaps, because of the intimidation of making space for something else besides the partners. “I think it's natural for couples to feel hesitant about introducing toys into their sex life because it requires a level of vulnerability and trust. This hesitation often stems from misconceptions. For many, there is a fear that introducing toys might make one partner feel inadequate or replaced by the toy. However, we’ve been pleasantly surprised by couples excited to bring toys into their bedroom. In fact, 70 per cent of our customers are couples,” shares Gupta.

Being mindful about sex fosters your relationship

Mindfulness is the secret sauce that makes every recipe better, and your sex life is no different. Men need to start acknowledging the significance of emotional intimacy and listening to the needs of their partner to ensure sex that is pleasurable not mechanical. Women need to start taking agency and be vocal about what they want, and what they don’t. “Sex is an inherent part of who we are and it allows us to not only connect with ourselves, but also with our partners. It transcends physical contact and can extend to the spiritual, emotional, platonic, and romantic part of the relationship,” says Srinivasan. 

“Lastly, talk to a professional like a therapist qualified to work on sexual issues and intimacy. Their guidance, support and help can bring intimacy back into the relationship,” concludes Ruuh. 

Also Read: Sex therapy could be just what your libido needs

Also Read: How safe is it to rely on pop culture and content creators for sex education?

Also Read: What to do when your partner wants more sex than you