What staying friends with an ex reveals about queer dating in India

Can one really be friends with their ex? Someone who’s been a long-term partner as well? Because casual flirting and a couple of dates could lead to the decision to be friends instead. This is common in queer dating in India, now more than ever. People meet, share a brief romance, and there’s eventually an unspoken possibility of being lifelong friends. 

Karima (they/he) (name changed), an educator based in Mumbai, says it is probably easier for more queer folks to be friends with their exes because the queer way of being allows a person to compartmentalise their feelings and relationship with the person. 

There’s a stereotype that has shaped not only how contemporary queer dating is viewed, but also how the community’s portrayal in the media and popular culture has evolved. The popular television series, Sex Education (2019-2023), portrays Eric Effiong’s (Ncuti Gatwa) romance-turned-friendship with Rahim (Sami Outalbali), who even goes on to befriend Eric’s new partner, Adam (Connor Swindells). Being friends with one’s exes is not a new trope in the media, even for straight couples. Take Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) and Joey (Matt LeBlanc) from Friends(1994-2004),for instance, or even Sophia (Bhumi Pednekar) and Kunal (Udit Arora) from the Netflix drama The Royals(2025-), at least at the beginning. Or Kabir (Abhay Deol) and Natasha (Kalki Koechlin) from Zoya Akhtar’s Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011), where, in the epilogue song, we find out they’re not only broken up but Natasha’s still close enough to be invited to Kabir’s friend’s wedding. Or in Made In Heaven(2019-), where Karan (Arjun Mathur) and Nawab (Vikrant Massey) figure out how to remain friends despite their complicated romantic past. So, how did staying friends with one’s exes become a queer stereotype? 

Why do queer friendships sustain after breakups?

The LGBTQ+ community doesn’t necessarily see it as a bad thing. It’s not about survival, but the fact that many from the community, after being isolated and neglected by their family or childhood friends for coming out, have relied on fellow members of the community for support and a sense of belonging. 

Hana-Evelyn (she/they), a Mumbai-based community-support worker, explains, “With a straight line (heteronormativity) that isolates us, exes often remain [in our lives] because they carry our survival as memory; the first time we dared to name ourselves, the soft hands that steadied us through fear, the witness to our becoming. To sever those bonds is to risk losing not just a person, but a piece of the fragile kinship that holds us individually as part of a community.”

One can also believe that it’s about queering relationships. The ways of the world are heavily dictated by patriarchy; understanding of relationships in the queer sense had to begin by de-centralising romance, and romance from a masculine-serving manner.

Prithvi (he/him), a student based in Sydney, whose closest friends are his exes, explains, “It’s only in straight relationships that exs antagonise each other after breaking up. Queer folks are friends with good/decent exes, because you don’t want to lose the only community and people who understand you easily.”

It’s also worth considering that while the queer community itself is small and tight-knit, there are sub-groups within the community based on hobbies, interests, age groups. and other preferences. If one cuts off exes one shares so many common interests with, there’s not just a loss of connection with the community, but also another individual (or group of people) who understand the person. 

Karima is friends with some exes who, after some post-breakup distancing, were able to negotiate new boundaries that worked for the two of them. Karima adds, “Just because the romance has left the chat, doesn’t mean the friendship has as well! It doesn’t mean I no longer want the person in my life.”

Staying friends with exes, but at what cost?

However, there are many who staunchly believe being friends with one’s exes isn’t always pleasant. Aditi (she/her) (name changed), a managing director at a Mumbai-based company, shares that it’s a lot more difficult to do so because it’s not as expected as with a cisgender, heterosexual man, who, at some point, will let their partner down or do something to hurt them (especially if a queer person dates straight men). Heartbreaks from queer exes, especially if the breakup was a result of unforgivable behaviour, becomes a tug of war between wanting the community to stay united, irrespective of a person getting hurt and pressuring the stereotype that queer folks must remain friendly even after breaking up.

Many queer folks feel pressured to stay on good terms or be civil with their exes, even if it comes at the cost of their mental health. Eve, when asked about this, while in agreement to a degree, also adds, “Intimacy is never only romantic or sexual—it defines continuity often through gossip and hearsay. To stay close to an ex is not about clinging to what was. Instead, it becomes about honouring that queer love refuses waste and it remakes itself, insists on survival, and teaches us that even endings can be another form of care.” But it might soon become a double-edged sword. Today, many younger queer folks seem to be prioritising their mental health rather than succumbing to queer peer pressure.

Subeksha (she/her), a sapphic, VIP account manager for a gaming company,in Bengaluru, is one such person who sees her friends being friendly with their exes, though she herself can never do it.

“It feels too heavy to maintain, emotionally. After a break up , I completely cut the ex off for my own sanity. But with people I was just casually involved with, staying friends feels more natural and easy.”

It is self-preservation that is having an impact on the community in terms of unity and groupist mentalities. These mentalities prioritise the overall functioning and “good look” of the community over caring for its individual members. While it’s understandable as to why this happens, Prithvi, believes this could be because the media has stopped portraying authentic queerness, often leading to cookie-cutter stereotypes as characters instead. This affects young and new queer folks who are just learning about the community. What’s more infuriating is the overbearing stereotype of everyone being everyone’s exes, when that couldn’t be far from the reality.

“It's not that everyone's is everyone's ex. It’s more about the fact that it is difficult for straight people to understand that queer folks view relationships differently. We ask different questions and have different priorities. We prefer to stay friends with people we’ve dated, but largely because the community is so much smaller in comparison,” says Prithvi. 

Where does one draw the line in queer breakup dynamics?

Jay (she/they), a 24-year-old designer based in Mumbai, says that it is easy to get caught up in the nitty-gritties of why staying friends with an ex is considered a sign of maturity, while there’s also the possibility that you’re still hung up on said ex, with hopes to rekindle some romance.

So Jay believes that given how their relationships have panned out, they would choose to not be friends with any of their exes. Explaining how they’ve met a lot of their now close friends on dating apps, Jay shares, “What helped was that we both realised that we’re not that compatible as partners but get along better as friends. There was no unresolved ‘will-they-won’t-they’ chemistry between us. We just like each others’ company, sans any romantic feelings.”

Similarly, there’s a growing trend of being friends with one’s exes among cisgender-heterosexual pairs. In a study conducted at the University of Kansas in 2017, it was shown that the couples interviewed (regardless of their sexuality) were friends with their exes. It’s more common amongst divorced parents who are able to stay friends for the sake of their children. This  begs the question: Could the rise of social phenomenons like de-centring men and romantic relationships help the larger fight against patriarchy if straight relationships and romance also prioritised building lasting connections over idealised societal roles?

Curated by Gaysi Family