Here’s why we fight on vacation

“Minor inconveniences or stresses on vacation could potentially snowball into arguments as you've pinned so much hope on the holiday being an escape from real life”

The experience of a departure to a new place for a vacation smuggles in an unsuspected intensity that is sometimes difficult to comprehend. When I visit my home in Kolkata (I haven't lived there in more than six years), the conflict around finances makes me feel like a misunderstood teen again. My mother thinks I still don't have it all together financially. So, listening calmly and objectively to her becomes increasingly complex, prompting me to interrupt and argue further. "I'm not a kid anymore, mom. Treat me like an adult," is my usual peace offering rooted in a misplaced sense of security. Sometimes, I even roll my eyes at her like a pouty adolescent.

My behaviour, however, isn't meant to be disrespectful or cruel, even though it might come across that way. Over countless sessions with my therapist, I've understood that it's a coping mechanism known as regression. Sigmund Freud classified regression as a defense mechanism for coping with stress, where one reverts to earlier, more childlike patterns of behaviour to cope. For many of us, reuniting with family during a holiday can feel like psychological time travel. 

Since we're on the subject of vacations, family holidays and reunions, the hit OTT show, The White Lotus comes to mind. Director Mike White has figured out how to do a second season of a deliciously subversive anthology series that feels comforting and familiar with the same biting satire of class and privilege while offering up variations on the characters, relationships and plotlines from season one that are different enough that you don't feel like you are watching a retread. The miniseries serves as a haunting reminder that no matter where you go—even paradise—loved ones can sometimes kill your holiday vibe. And while it is normal for couples, families, and friends to fight on vacation (?), as the show depicts so convincingly, it does throw up a pertinent question on interpersonal relationships: How can you tell which issues constitute "normal" fights and which ones are a more significant reflection of incompatibility? 

 Asha Saxena, a New Delhi-based therapist and life coach, says, "Vacations can dig up resentment and past issues. Minor inconveniences or stresses could potentially snowball into arguments as you've pinned so much hope on the holiday being an escape from real life."

Noticing the cracks

For Mumbai-based Nikita and her husband, a long-awaited honeymoon (six years after they got married) to Kashmir proved to be the ultimate deal-breaker in their relationship. "The cracks started forming in our marriage a few months before the honeymoon. We planned on having a child, but my PCOS-related health issues prevented conception. I thought a vacation would help iron out whatever differences we were encountering. Once we got there, we kept fighting because he didn't want to do anything. We just did the touristy things; all he wanted to do was sleep," she says. "I wanted to explore the region's culture and food, which I finally did on my own. But it made me realise that his rigid ways would continue to irk me if I didn't do something about it. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I don't want to be with someone who takes me for granted and always places his needs above mine. I am currently contemplating moving out of our home," she says. 

Saxena says arguing and fighting on vacation is a panic response that forms an intrinsic part of our DNA. “It has to do with the amygdala, the region of the brain primarily associated with emotional processes like fear, which perceives not just physical threats but emotional and psychological ones. Feeling neglected by our loved ones causes physical distress and stimulates emotions and behaviours intended to help with our self-preservation. We progress from withdrawing to attacking.”

When Mumbai-based publicist Sakshi Prasad visited Jaipur with her parents for a wedding in 2018, it exposed cracks in the seemingly loving relationship between her mother and her rakhi brother (whose son's marriage it was.). "My mother felt left out because she wasn't treated as part of the family despite repeated past reminders from her 'brother' of their enduring bond. We were treated like faraway guests; we were not invited to take pictures with the family and were told by a family member of his that he wanted us to vacate the hotel room booked for us the next day to accommodate other guests." It's safe to say Prasad's mother was livid. The relationship soured after the wedding, and while they remained in touch, both parties did not find it essential to hash things out. "My uncle's passing a few years ago devastated my mother because she felt she should have mended things. She lives with regret," says Prasad. 

Saxena says it's important to manage expectations when on holiday or, in Prasad's mother's case, attending a destination wedding. “Most of us rarely establish our intentions when on vacation. We must understand that a change in environment demands resetting expectations. A vacation does not hinge on one experience going exactly as we hope it will.”

 In my experience, spending time with people you care about and relishing the authentic, messy glory of the experience is a gift. It may not always go as planned but sharing space in that environment with people you love could feel incredible. 

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