Why do we still find bad boys attractive?

We can’t seem to quit the guys who aren’t good for us–they come packaged a little differently now

Kim, a Hyderabad-based cake artist, can’t seem to quit bad boys. A confessed rebel, she admits to seeking out men who ooze testosterone, exert boldness and come with exaggerated sexuality, all of which she finds authentic. But this recurring pattern of dating men who aren’t necessarily good for her has left her feeling exhausted. “Most of my relationships have added little value to my life. I’ve always dated boys with a rebellious streak who are aloof and offer minimal emotional support; in most cases, good sex is the only saving grace. But I can’t seem to get enough of them,” she says. 

Kim recently braved her demons and sought therapy to understand what drives her questionable romantic choices. “I was told I seek out bad boys because I crave the excitement they create. I subconsciously recognise and align with the out-of-control behaviour most of them exhibit because my father is that way,” she says, adding: “I saw the bad-boy attitude acted out every day at home. My father came and went as he pleased; no one ever held him accountable for his behaviour or asked his whereabouts. He was waited on by everyone in the household without a ‘please’ or a ‘thank you’. All my mother ever got was abuse.”

A new iteration

The bad boy trope, while still alluring, has undergone minor tweaks over the decades. No longer only relegated to the rockstar with tattoos and a drug addiction or the aloof, muscular gym rat, bad boys in 2023 don’t necessarily exhibit narcissistic behaviour, at least not immediately. It’s shrouded under the guise of correct gentleman-like behaviour via Instagram DMs, courteous reassurances (again, via DMs) when any discussion about boundaries is had, and feigning just the right amount of interest to keep an interested party, well, interested. But dig a little deeper and what seems like an innocuous initiation into something meaningful eventually turns into an episode that plays out in classic textbook bad-boy fashion. 

Rishav, who claims to belong to this new generation of bad boys and requested to be quoted anonymously, says the trick to being a “good bad boy” is to offer just enough care and affection to keep someone hooked without making them feel they’re special or exclusive. “I usually chat with 3-4 women at a time. I keep the conversation with each of them respectful and interesting but avoid getting too invested. So I check in with each of them twice a week, usually on days allocated to them, and avoid communication on other days. When they come back with questions about why I am being aloof, I usually tell them I’m not looking for anything serious and want something ‘hassle-free’. They stick around because they value my honesty. I only hook up with those women who don’t question my intentions—it’s easier that way. The others lose interest in me after I politely decline to meet them for coffee or drinks several times, which works in my favour because I try to avoid confrontation,” he says.

The appeal

Life coach and therapist Asha Saxena believes the elusive nature of bad boys adds to their enduring appeal. “Since most of these men are not inclined to settle into monogamy so easily, most folx believe if you can convince one to commit, it can feel like quite an accomplishment,” she says. “Given that most men are aware of being outed in a post-Me Too era, the signs of their often harmful ways are not obvious, making these emotionally unavailable and, sometimes, manipulative men, hard to pinpoint. You believe that if you can land one, you must be attractive, funny and intelligent enough to have won this prize. Unfortunately, we are often on an eternal quest for validation and that elusive feeling of being enough makes the pursuit of a bad boy an appealing one,” says Saxena.

The problem lies within

We may be dealing with a new cultural definition of a ‘bad boy’ in 2023 but these individuals continue to tempt us because they offer a fantasy of making the wrong choice. Most of us are still driven by the thrill of doing what we shouldn’t: Sometimes, breaking the rules is fun. This quality of the bad boy appeals to Pune-based Karthik, who confesses to enjoying pursuing this breed of men. “Some of these men don’t pretend to be nice, and that’s a weird turn-on for me. It makes them authentic. Their aloofness keeps me coming back for more,” he says. But clarifies that he puts a hard stop to any interaction if their behaviour turns aggressive or offensive in any way. “But these men offer very little apart from their bad-boy persona, so the thrill wears off eventually. In the end, all of us want someone who reciprocates our romantic intentions,” says Karthik. 

However, what hasn’t changed in 2023, according to Saxena, is our need to convert bad boys into men who can love us back. “They usually become personal projects because it stems from low self-esteem and a history of having to deal with rejecting, aloof parents or other close family members. We unconsciously transfer our desire to find the love we crave onto new people in our lives, hoping to get what we never got from the original person, as if this will heal that wound. Unfortunately, it never works because people who are rejecting do not suddenly become accepting. We keep reenacting the same drama, putting new actors in old roles.”

Gender flip

When Tejaswi, a journalist, researcher and facilitator at Gaysi, was 25, they recount being attracted to a cisgender man, someone “kind and sweet”. However, he had an eyebrow piercing and worked in nightlife, and all their then-friends (“I dropped them soon after because I needed nuance in my relationships”) told them that he’d never call them back or care about their feelings—except he did. Tejaswi says he was kind and romantic and even cared for their cat for a month. “But guess whose avoidant attachment style took over? Mine.” Tejaswi believes they are a “bad boy”, too.

While growing up in Coimbatore, Tejaswi had to deal with the amicable separation of their parents and the fact that their class teacher gossiped about them to other people on the staff and her ward, who was also a student in the school. “A few days later, the school bully had the nerve to approach my best friend to ‘clarify’ if my parents had indeed separated,” they say. 

Over the years, they developed an avoidant attachment style (an attachment style a child develops when their parent or primary caretaker doesn’t show care or responsiveness past providing essentials like food and shelter) to anybody outside of their birth and chosen families. “A partner recently pointed out that I do not warm up to people or let them in unless they have been in my life and seen me through its ups and downs for at least a few years. Add to it years of masking as an autistic person, and you can see why intimacy does not come easy to me,” they tell The Established. 

Tej says they love being seen as the quintessential “bad boy” but it hasn’t done their relationships much good. “Today, I’m intentionally single, and mindful about whom I date. A recent string of relationships all ended in much heartbreak as people fantasise about someone like me saving them, but I can’t do that. I’m slowly learning to stay with people and work through their projections and fantasies,” they say, adding: “We have to move past this binary idea of who’s a ‘bad boy’ and who isn’t.”

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