How queer relationships strengthen the concept of family

While the LGBTQIA+ community in India continues to fight for equal marriage rights, some become a family governed by their own set of rituals and traditions

If you ask Indians what is most important to them, many would say, "my family." However, it's surprising that in a country where the concept of family is highly valued, not all Indians have the opportunity to form one. In the LGBTQIA+ community, it’s not uncommon to find a substitute family or form a family of their own, but are unable to do so because the community is still struggling to find acceptance by the law. 

Against the odds

However, there are a few individuals who have chosen to live life on their terms. Meet Ziya and Zahad, a trans couple from Kerala's Kozhikode, who became parents to a baby girl earlier this year. A year ago, however, Zahad was in the midst of his gender reassignment procedure to become a man when the couple decided to have a baby, as Zahad's reproductive organs had not yet been removed. 

Their five-month-old baby, Zabiya Zahad, is growing up in a household surrounded by love. When asked who wakes up if the baby cries, Ziya says, “We both do. Because becoming parents was our dream, and now that it is a reality, we want to enjoy every bit of it.” 

“Our birth families never accepted us as we are. So, both of us wanted to start a family of our own,” adds Ziya. Both of them had left their homes after announcing their decision to undergo gender reassignment surgery. While Zahad was born into a Christian household in the coastal belt of Thiruvananthapuram, Ziya comes from an orthodox Muslim family in Kondotty of Malappuram district. Ziya is the youngest of eight children and confesses having no connection with her family after her mother died and her father remarried. She shares, “Zahad’s family is more supportive and open-minded than mine; he is in touch with his mother.” 

The couple’s journey hasn’t been easy after their pregnancy photos on Instagram went viral despite receiving a congratulatory message from Kerala’s health minister Veena George after the birth of their daughter. The couple has faced online hate, with trolls threatening their existence. 

The couple is planning to file a petition to the Kerala High Court this month for relaxation in the birth certificate of their newborn baby. Advocate Padmalakshmi, who is drafting the petition for the couple, said, “This is a unique petition. We are requesting the authorities to amend the child’s parental details.” In the birth certificate, Ziya has requested to be mentioned as the mother of the baby and Zahad as the father,  says Padmalakshmi.

Families of their own

The concept of kinship is strong among the third gender of the Indian subcontinent. In this tradition, a guru, an experienced and respected community member, takes on the role of a mentor and spiritual guide. The guru provides guidance, support, and teachings to a chela—the younger or less experienced eunuch. The relationship between the guru and chela is considered sacred and is based on mutual respect, trust, and devotion. The guru imparts knowledge and skills to the chela, helping them navigate cultural customs, rituals, and community dynamics. The chela, in turn, shows reverence and loyalty to the guru, assisting them in various aspects of their life and work. The relationship extends beyond mentorship and often involves a deep emotional connection and a sense of chosen family. 

In the drag community, too, the family provides a foundation of love, acceptance, and support. “It [family] doesn’t always have to be biological,” says Suruj Rajkhowa, an Assam-born drag queen based out of Mumbai. They are popularly known by their stage name Glorious Luna. They are a drag mother to five “drag children” who look up to them as their drag mother. In turn, Luna provides support and a safe space. 

“Queer folx often lose the support from their biological parents when they reveal their sexual identities, and in most cases, their family disowns them. They look out for a new family, a support system,” Luna explains. They feel a sense of responsibility and motherhood towards their drag children. Of the five, two are aspiring drag queens. “I teach them the art of drag and help them navigate life too,” says Luna.

Modern family

Advertising professional, author and LGBTQIA+ rights advocate Raga Olga D’Silva, who was born in India but now lives in London with her wife Nicola Fenton, whom she married last year after a 16-year-long relationship, is a mother to a 25-year-old twin son and daughter from her first marriage to her husband. D’Silva raised her children with Nicola and says the children are lucky to be loved by three parents.

However, it wasn't always easy for D'Silva, who grew up in India in the Seventies, when homosexuality was considered a disorder. She married her male best friend and became a mother to twin babies three years later. The family moved to New Zealand for a better life, but a few years later, her marriage fell apart. 

Her coming out to the family was rough when one night, her mother, who was visiting the family from India, held a knife over her. "My mother said she would rather kill me,” D'Silva shares. 

“I don’t think I would have survived the realities of this world without the support of my family, which includes my kids, my partner and my ex-husband,” she says.

Dsilva further explains that having a family holds immense importance for LGBTQIA+ couples. "It provides love, support, validation, and a nurturing environment for partners and their children. It allows them to experience the joys of parenthood and build a support network.”

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