Why embracing solitude might be good for you

The benefits of solitude are often overshadowed by what society deems a non-beneficial way of life

Imad Haider recently holed himself up in a secluded Airbnb in the Kumaon hills of Uttarakhand “to enjoy a phase of isolation.” The New Delhi-based psychology professor often takes time off to reconnect with himself, given the hectic nature of his work, which involves long hours spent helping students, and doing research, along with several committee assignments. There are a few nights a semester that grading major projects keeps him in the office until 11 p.m. 

“For two weeks, I had no one to converse with except my dog,” he says. Haider passed his time with books, observing nature and listening to the rustling of leaves. This period of solitude allows him to feel unshackled from the mounting anxieties of daily life: “It’s nice to have time on my hands. I didn’t have to rush anything; I could stay in bed all day without my parents making me feel guilty for just being solitary.” 

Haider’s embrace of the solitary life is unusual; at least, that’s what his inner circle makes him believe after he returns from one of these trips. “The few friends I have, give me a hard time for wanting to be on my own. Most times, they think I’m going through an emotional crisis. Not many people get it, unfortunately. As a result, I’ve often felt stigmatised for wanting alone time,” he says.

The fear of solitude is considered to be a universal human fear. Sigmund Freud connected anxiety with solitude and darkness, saying: “In children, the first phobias relating to situations are those of darkness and solitude. The former of those often persists throughout life; both are involved when a child feels the absence of some loved person who looks after it—its mother, that is to say.”

In fact, we’re made to believe that if we’re pulled out or choose to pull out of feedback loops of intersubjectivity—being around other minds, other agents, other people—our ability to hold a coherent sense of ourselves and an understanding of the world in a consistent, solid way will evaporate.

Solitude v/s loneliness

Asha Saxena, a psychologist and life coach, says solitude in phases can be beneficial. “It’s nice to get away from time to time to reboot. We live in a hyper-connected world that requires you to be available when someone calls or texts. It can be overwhelming. While some individuals thrive on interconnectedness, some relish taking time to reconnect with themselves,” she says, adding: “we’re made to believe solitude is bad for us. Some individuals are even pressurised into socialising so that they don’t feel lonely. But there’s a stark difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is positive, whereas loneliness may not be. The former allows you to reflect and try to make sense of the world around you and the connections you have with others, versus loneliness, where you feel like your entire world is crumbling around you.” 

A quiet place

Artist Priya Malik realised she enjoyed solitude at an early age. In fact, she thrived in it. Growing up in Australia, she would often find solace in reading alone at the local library or on the terrace of her home. “When I moved to Mumbai around five years ago, my new circle of friends found it hard to understand why I didn’t want to hang out often. They thought I was being snooty. So, I had to sit them down and tell them it wasn’t the case. I enjoy human connection, but solitude makes me productive.” Prolonged periods of solitude have allowed Malik to process her thoughts more clearly. “My partner and I also enjoy time alone—it enables us to commit fully to our creative pursuits,” she says.

Saxena believes while partners enjoying solitude individually is healthy, the intent should be communicated to avoid isolating one another. “A lack of communication about the need to be alone for some time could pose a threat to the dynamic or could be a reflection of deeper issues when alone time is used aggressively, or as a form of expression, or when it is taken in spite of the other—to get away, ghost, or exclude,” she says. But if a couple is comfortable about their respective needs for solitude, it's a positive sign. 

Weeding out misconceptions

Mumbai-based brand consultancy founder Fabian Rodrigues believes most people need to truly understand the essence of solitude. “It takes a powerful mind to flip the perspective on this. While I may not be professionally inclined to give you a diagnosis, most people think being solitary in their weak moments—say after suffering a tragedy, a break-up, and the list can go on—is the answer. But unfortunately, most individuals are co-dependent and aren’t rooted in themselves; they are not actually okay with the idea of being alone. They consider solitude to be an antidote to a bad situation. And so, when on their own, they tend to overthink things, replay incidents, and potentially worsen the situation for themselves or even make rash decisions with no alternative takes,” he says. 

Rodrigues also says most people think solitude will spark ideas, cure procrastination and become a band-aid to stop the bleeding of burnout. “There is a fine line between this optimistic version of solitude for work, and procrastination; often, spending time in isolation will only make you procrastinate and further delay an outcome,” he says. 

“You procrastinate because it challenges your identity. Taking time out to reflect or spending time alone is a band-aid solution to a deeper cause, primarily rooted in laziness. In most cases, procrastination stems from fear—the fear of failure, the fear of success, or the fear of vulnerability,” says Saxena. 

Shreya Soni, founder of The Ideas Lab, enjoys residing in her playground of thoughts but she understands why people find it hard to comprehend the beauty of solitude. “Humans are social animals, or that is what we’ve been conditioned to believe. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy socialising now and then. But I’ve actively cultivated pockets of solitude for myself, which is why I enjoy boxing or driving solo (much to the chagrin of my family, who insists I take the driver). And this shift happened in my mid-20s when I went from being chatty to suddenly becoming quieter. Everyone wondered why I had become ‘moody,’” she says. Soni tells The Established that she’s become a more holistic person as a result. “Solitude has allowed me to have conversations with myself, to rationalise or correct myself before saying something I could potentially regret. As a result, I’m more aware of my triggers. Solitude coupled with therapy and my role as a mentor has made me more responsive and less reactive,” she says. 

A positive assurance

Ian Marcus Corbin, a writer, researcher and teacher in Cambridge, Massachusetts, who is currently writing a book on solitude and human solidarity for Yale University Press, believes solitude is positive. “Cultures change, people change, and that wouldn’t happen if the only way of being in the world was to live in these tight feedback loops where you’re affirming and being affirmed all the time. So sometimes we step away from this sort of deep, constant subjective engagement, this membership in a tight, coherent world, to go back and look at things anew,’ he says on the Discourse Magazine podcast.

That intentional stepping away from a world, for a period, and quieting yourself is how Corbin understands solitude to be. “Loneliness is typically not a peaceful, static thing; it’s frenetic. You’re dashing around online frantically; you’re stuffing your face with food, trying to feel better somehow, restoring some sense of coherence and sanity. On the other hand, solitude is intentional; you press pause, step away, quiet yourself and try to look at reality anew,” he says. 

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