Subscribe to our newsletter and be the first to access exclusive content and expert insights.

subscribe now subscribe cover image
Kalyani Saha Chawla profile imageKalyani Saha Chawla & Kalyani Saha Chawla
Where are the good men for 40-plus single women?

Waiting for Ryan Gosling


"So, what's up?" Translation: "Who are you seeing?" The "nobody" said vehemently is never believed and suspiciously ignored, followed by "How come? " My reply almost always is, "Even I am wondering how and why!"

The problem is no one truly believes my single status. I mean, I am pretty above-average looking, with a pretty sparkling personality, and financially independent too. But the myth that someone like me "can get anyone you want " is just that—a myth.

Women my age, and I know a few—40 plus beautiful, intelligent women— who celebrate their independence and seek achievements through their careers. They date off and on, but the focus continues to be work unless they strike lucky on the personal front. That is, till they turn 50. Suddenly the lines blur, and the thought of being alone, especially during the holiday season, can wreak emotional havoc.

I am lucky to have friends who always include me in their plans—but surrounded by married couples or my besties, the gay boys, I realise won't help me find my match. Surrounded by couples, the need for companionship often surfaces. With single friends getting engaged all of a sudden— even though I am happy for them—many other emotions come up.

“WOMEN MY AGE CELEBRATE THEIR INDEPENDENCE AND SEEK ACHIEVEMENTS THROUGH THEIR CAREERS. THEY DATE OFF AND ON, BUT THE FOCUS CONTINUES TO BE WORK UNLESS THEY STRIKE LUCKY ON THE PERSONAL FRONT. “

Kalyani Saha Chawla

New Year's Eve is the worst. I've had this dreadful pandemic to thank for in some convoluted way the last couple of years—watching endless reruns of the old dependable Friends was infinitely better than running to the loo, my tequila shot in hand, the second before midnight strikes, to avoid watching couples—happy or not—wrapped up and kissing.

In sheer desperation, I once turned to my ex-husband—incidentally, his 'female friends circle' seems to only expand along with his waistline. I must add that the gap between his women friends and our daughter's age appears to be rapidly decreasing. I asked him if we should get remarried, my rationale being that the two of us have been in a non-committed scenario for the last two decades. His answer to my decent proposal was without hesitation, "No way! You are too old." This, coming from a man who seriously regrets giving up on me. And randomly 'drunk dials' me to say I will always be 'the one'.

It's a cruel fact that men above 45 are certainly not looking for women with personalities and strong opinions. What seems to matter more— subservience, size zero and a constant ability to laugh at dumb jokes while being masterful at editing selfies. Women grow old and feel their age. Men grow old, and for them, it's just a number. Men need validation to feel desired much more than women. Women will overthink going on a date, especially when there are children in their life. Yet, discretion is never the better part of valour for the male of the human species. There is, of course, underlying competitiveness with their peer group—whose static lives begin and end with bravado on the golf course.

Men above 45 are certainly not looking for women with personalities and strong opinions
Men above 45 are certainly not looking for women with personalities and strong opinions

So, where does this kind of scenario leave someone like me? I am, like many women, considered to be intimidating, perceived to be high maintenance even though I've worked like a beast of burden all my life. And continue to do so. Neither do I want to be with anyone who is intimidated by me. And the chance of meeting someone on a flight who doesn't snore or doesn't have body odour is slim.

The dream, of course, is to bump into 'the one' in the elevator of my building and spill coffee all over him a la the quintessential rom-com. I truly believe that despite all the frogs I have transformed into princes, there is still 'the one' for me. Serendipity will finally play out, and I will have my Notebook moment. I know that my Ryan Gosling is out there waiting for me.

Also Read: India is toying with sexual wellness more than ever

Also Read: What makes women justify domestic violence?

Also Read: The lonely world of aging gay men


Subscribe for More

Subscribe to our newsletter and be the first to access exclusive content and expert insights.

subscribe now