An exhaustive guide to quitting that toxic job you can’t seem to quit

While we would love to live in an ideal world where our workplace doesn’t kill us, resigning from a toxic job is easier said than done. So how do we move on?

The past year and a half has been a crash course in terms associated with the workplace as well as relationships that can often be used interchangeably —moonlighting, quiet quitting, quiet firing. The source of it all flows from the good ol’ notion that work is family and because every family is dysfunctional to a certain extent, the same can be expected from the workplace. 

This becomes scarier when we find out that we spend most of our waking hours (approximately one-third of our life) at work. It’s sweet while it lasts—hanging out with your co-workers after work over beer and pizza, your boss casually asking you about that hickey from last night’s drunken fest, and swishing in and out of the office doors at odd hours. But what happens when this seemingly perfect picture changes? 

According to research, when an organisation uses the family metaphor in businesses, it creates a positive, motivating and morale-boosting culture, where colleagues are not seen as colleagues any more, but as brothers or sisters. This leads employees to emotionally attach themselves to the organisation. So when things turn toxic, it’s akin to breaking up with your own family. Even if your work is not family, your reasons to not quit your toxic job might be many—the fear of not getting another job thanks to the looming recession, crushing self-esteem issues, not being able to speak up for yourself, or a mountain of debt that might not get cleared anytime soon. 

We asked mental health experts, human resource coaches, and people who have successfully moved out of their jobs to suggest ways and means to quit:

Recognise and acknowledge the toxicity 

Much like an abusive romantic relationship, it can become hard to recognise that you’re in a toxic relationship in the first place. Toxicity in the workplace can manifest in various ways, including poor communication, high turnover (people quitting frequently), micromanagement, excessive workload, gossip, negativity, and bullying or harassment.

“The first step is to always recognise toxicity at the workplace because there might be expectations that your current company is not able to meet,” says Lizanne D’souza who runs a hiring firm. “Often, people push it for three or even six months and it is only when things reach a point of no return that they realise it was not for them.”

A study published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that toxic leadership behaviours, such as abusive supervision, can negatively impact employee well-being and job performance. The study also found that employees who perceive their leaders as toxic are more likely to engage in negative behaviours, such as withholding effort or engaging in counterproductive work.

Understand that your boss might be gaslighting you 

If you are an asset, the proof lies in the fact that it’s been quite a while and you haven’t been fired. So why the endless toxicity? A boss may try to manipulate an employee’s perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts and feelings about the job and making it harder for them to make a decision to leave. 

“A truly toxic boss will put you down nine times and then give you a pat on the back the tenth time so that you stay,” says Mumbai-based psychiatrist Syeda Ruksheda. “A trustworthy boss will never put you down and simultaneously make you want to stay. They know that you’re too precious to let go of,so they will try everything in the book to retain you.”

Cut down on expenses to save

Before this year could even start, fears of an imminent recession took shape in the collective global consciousness. Billionaire Jeff Bezos warned people to refrain from making major purchases, only after his own big yacht was silently scrapped after it threatened to damage a historic bridge. The massive layoffs in the tech sector certainly didn’t help either.

For Shreya Ojha, a 26-year-old product manager, the process of acknowledging the unmanageable stressors at her workplace came in pretty early. If she had to quit her job, which she definitely wanted to, she had to be financially secure. Moonlighting wasn’t an option—she couldn’t undertake freelancing gigs on the side because it was illegal and she just didn’t have the time. 

“While it’s usually a healthy practice to have a savings fund for those rainy days, I couldn’t exhaust those funds just yet simply because I wanted to take up a new job,” she says. “So I started cutting down on all the expenses except the bare minimum living expenses, this helped me save up enough money at least for three months and it was only then did I tender my resignation.”

Take up easy gigs 

Regardless of the moonlighting policy in the company, there are some gigs that can further help structure one’s corpus of funds to tide over for those dry months after you quit your job. From babysitting to riding an Uber to running social media strategies for small brands to teaching English online—these alternative gigs cannot and should not take up much of your bandwidth. 

“I would sell my home-cooked food, which is pretty rad, at my friend’s stalls during music and other cultural festivals around in and around central and south Delhi,” says Maggie Boezi, a PR professional. “Obviously, no one is claiming that you’ll make enough money within two weeks to make up for those three or six months of not having a job at worst, but it’s a start.”  

Structure your thoughts if you’re an introvert 

For many, the journey to resigning can be a long and arduous one. They might not be able to express their reasons, or share exactly how the toxicity of it all affects them. Ruksheda suggests jotting down your reasons before that meeting with your reporting manager, just so that you don’t end up forgetting them. But these reasons cannot be simply restricted to your boss, they must flow into your personality, too. Self-awareness is the biggest gift you can give yourself at that point. 

“It is also imperative that you are aware of your professional abilities because this will help shore up your self-confidence. Many people don’t believe they are any good, or they are told by their bosses this is all they can be. This is the reason they won’t even look for new jobs. You need to know exactly how much you are valued,” says Ruksheda. 

Start upskilling 

It could be possible that it’s becoming increasingly difficult for you to trust yourself with another job if you’re stuck doing the same things for the past five years, sitting in the same place, and being absolutely mechanical when you were hired for a totally different job role.

“I was at least five years behind someone in my role in a different role as far as skill is concerned,” says Mahi Gupta, a 32-year-old management consultant. “I started taking up courses online because I realised I was unqualified for half of the dream jobs that I wanted to apply for. I didn’t even have the basic skills because my company never tapped me for my full potential.” 

Assess yourself 

After Ojha quit her toxic job that had started affecting her health, she started reading up on the parameters through which she could ascertain and measure the health of her next job. After all, it was only her first job and while it was unequivocally unhealthy, she told herself that she would not want to judge the next jobs too harshly. But it’s also equally, if not more, important to assess oneself. 

“Maybe it’s also about changing your own work patterns because you don’t know how to say no,” Ruksheda explains. “If you’re the kind who takes on additional responsibilities, feels overwhelmed then a similar pattern will continue in your next job, too.”

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