Your guide to building boundaries at work

Setting boundaries, especially in professional spaces, can be intimidating. Four mental health experts tell us how to navigate the process

Miranda Hobbes in Sex and the City, Ari Gold in Entourage, Kate Foster in Working Moms–it’s not hard to come by a television show where one of the protagonists is struggling to achieve a work-life balance. There’s a reason that these characters continue to lie at the centre of so many series–they are easy to resonate with, especially in recent times.

In the last couple of years, we’ve found even more ways to stay connected and while it has its perks–you can now work from the comfort of your couch or from an Airbnb in an exotic location–it also has a downside. For instance, if an urgent email sent after working hours goes unanswered, it’s becoming increasingly acceptable for employers to catch an employee’s attention through other informal and intrusive modes of communication such as Instagram. This uninterrupted access, which pressures many to prioritise their professional lives over their personal lives, is why it’s important to start setting healthy boundaries at work. However, for first-timers, setting boundaries can be an unnerving exercise. We sought the help of four mental health experts and asked them what to expect before, during and after the process.

Identifying a lack of boundaries

Are you sacrificing sleep to meet unrealistic deadlines? Are you having trouble carving out time for your interests? Are you always adding to your already extensive to-do list? If your answer is yes to one or more of these questions, it’s probably time to build boundaries at work.

“Define what work-life balance means to you. When you feel like work is taking up more of your life space, it might be a good opportunity to start setting boundaries,” says Abisha Fernandes, a mental health professional who has worked with several high-growth organisations. But the lack of a work-life balance isn’t the only indicator that a boundary might be missing. There are also other, less obvious signs to watch out for. “Look for any discomfort that you might be experiencing, whether it’s in a meeting, talking about a particular topic, being in a certain space or doing something that has previously been uncomfortable for you. Then check in and try to identify what that discomfort might look like. Discomfort can look like physically not feeling okay, churning in your stomach or your heart rate rising,” adds Fernandes.

Building professional boundaries

Each of the above examples can be addressed with a boundary. The challenge, however, is that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. “There are different types of boundaries at work–time boundaries, physical boundaries and religious boundaries. A time boundary could be saying no to taking work calls after work unless they are extremely important; a physical boundary could be not discussing someone’s physical appearance; and a religious boundary could be refraining from commenting on how one chooses to practise religion,” says Bengaluru-based counselling psychologist Afifa Kauser. Once you’ve deciphered the type of boundary you’re working with, the next step is to identify if you want to leave room for negotiation.

Boundaries can be fixed or flexible and the latter, which allows for exceptions and alterations, is usually a simpler starting point in a professional setting. For example, you might not be willing to work overtime but you might be open to adjusting your working hours. The beauty of boundaries, adds psychotherapist and narrative practitioner Aishwarya Chawla, is that they can evolve as time passes. “Boundaries don’t have to equate to walls. Think of them like a fence, they are protective but you can allow people in and out depending on your comfort. You can also soften them depending on the relationship. Just because a boundary was rigid, doesn’t mean that it has to stay like that,” she says.

What to expect after

Initially, putting boundaries in place can be an extremely uncomfortable, almost an unfamiliar experience. “While in the long run, setting boundaries is good for your self-esteem, they may not feel great the first time. You can go through feelings of anxiety, guilt, discomfort or an actual fear of losing your job,” says Kauser. The emotions we experience, explains Fernandes, often have their roots in our culture. “There’s a lot of guilt because in Indian culture, we’re particularly taught that being a good person always involves prioritising someone else’s needs. Also, saying no to someone you care about or want to help is hard,” she says.

In addition to these difficult feelings, there’s also likely to be some amount of pushback from the person at the receiving end of the boundary. “Sometimes, if the boundary doesn’t work in the individual’s favour or their self-interest is at stake, you are likely to face irritation, disappointment, anger and backlash,” says Shaurya Gahlawat, a counselling psychologist and existential psychotherapist who goes by @TherapyWithShaurya on Instagram.

Persevering through the process

An awareness of the kind of emotions that might crop up and going in prepared makes the whole process a lot less intimidating. If you fumble for the right words in a stressful situation, it might be calming to practice communicating the boundary beforehand. “Write down what you want to say to the person, read it out to yourself in a mirror or to a friend. I’d also suggest practising setting boundaries with the easiest situation or person first,” says Gahlawat.

Additionally, if you’re already experiencing emotional turbulence, it’s advisable to wait and communicate the boundary at a later time and when you do, make sure you have a strategy that soothes you. “Build a supportive toolkit of sorts and have that ready on standby whenever you need. Having a strong support system of family and friends can be really nice. Apart from that, breathwork can also soothe your body and grounding exercises can keep you from jumping to future conclusions,” says Fernandes. But, above all else, it’s crucial to remind yourself that like a lot else in life, setting boundaries also gets easier with time. It’s not a one-time effort but something that needs to be worked on consistently. “Setting or accepting boundaries was never taught to us, and we are all a work-in-progress. You do not have to get everything right the first time. Give yourself enough time, space and compassion,” concludes Gahlawat.

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